Temporary Insanity


Just a heads up. I’ve gotten some temp work, which will last through the next few weeks. Then I head to Arkansas to see my kids for Thanksgiving (woohoo!). For a while, I expect that things will be a little busy, a little crazy. I have a million things I want to blog about, and two million I want to otherwise write about, but I’m not sure when I can cram it all in.  At the end of that first day of corporate fun (Friday), all I could think about was crawling into bed and snuggling with my puppy.

The commute was a lot more stressful than the job itself, by the way. I am not the best of drivers, and I felt as though I were maneuvering Fred Flintstone’s car at the Indianapolis 500. I’m way too ADD and hypersensitive for Texas highways and byways, and when I see other drivers cursing at me, it hurts my feelings.



Thanks SO MUCH to those of you whose excellent comments now grace the “Suicide, No Girlfriend” post. You’ve shared some thoughtful, heartfelt advice which (hopefully) will help many people for many moons to come. More on this, but I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you.

antoniobanderas55One of these days, the stars and the planets, as well as my internet connection and my health, will all align perfectly. Mercury will be in retrograde and the weather will be balmy and breezy. I’ll win the lottery and build a special room with excellent feng shui, perfect lighting and Antonio Banderas wallpaper. Then, I’ll be able to write more consistently. Okay, okay, then I’ll come up with another reason that I’m not writing consistently. Actually, I do write every day, it’s just that little of it’s worthy of posting here, or submitting anywhere else. Also, I’m not funny these days. Really. Once I have a paycheck or two under my belt, I’ll go to the health food store and get a humor gland cleanse, but in the meantime, I’ll go to work, be dour and write grouchy things when there’s time.


Everything really IS bigger in Texas. There are scary creepy insects the size of my head that the locals call roach355“water bugs,” which is a euphemism for “big ass disgusting roaches.” It doesn’t matter if your home is clean (which my friend’s definitely is). If it’s old, you will be sharing residence with the horrific things, which cause me to scream, loudly and often.

The dog that lives behind my friend Botmo’s house is this HUGE Mastiff named Sully, who’s Theo’s new best friend. They smoosh noses together through the chain link fence and race back and forth together, happily waggling their tails. Sully’s tail is about the length of three Theos. Since my camera hasn’t magically healed itself yet, I pilfered borrowed the above photo from New York magazine, just to give you an idea of the size difference here. According to his owner, Sully weighs 175 pounds, which is 170 more than my tiny guy. I love watching them. Once Theo discovered that Sully couldn’t eat him like an M&M, he became the dominant player in their relationship. He quickly grows bored and moves on to lizards and sticks in the yard, while his big friend stares sad-eyed and longingly after him, waiting patiently until his tiny buddy decides to return to their fun and games.

hawk551By the way, I have to keep a close watch for hawks and owls when Theo’s outside, because they actually do scoop up chihuahuas around here. I saw a hawk circling one day, so now I keep a big bird-bopping stick close at hand (though Botmo assures me that it won’t help at all). I’ve been reading up on deterrents, like brightly colored doggy sweaters and pins with flashing lights. I may just dye him a bright green, string some Christmas lights around him and call it good. The lights could double as a leash, and Theo could double as a tree. It’s a win-win.

So I’ve met big dogs, big bugs and a big person.

Last week, I put an ad on craigslist for a computer router, and within ten minutes, someone contacted me saying he’d sell me a brand new one for $10. And so it was that I made the acquaintance of Bill, a computer wiz and lifelong Texan. We met at a Home Depot parking lot and made the exchange. I laughed inside when Bill saw Theo in the car and said, “I’ve got one of those,” because Bill is about the size of two Sullys. In addition to instructions about how to hook up the router, Bill also imparted the following wisdom, the Rule of Texas, the Law of the Land.

“We’re a place of immigrants,” he said. “We got this land from the Mexicans and the Indians, and we don’t care who comes and lives here. But don’t go trying to bring your New York or Illinois ways here. We like things the way they are.” I don’t think that’ll be a problem because A: I don’t plan on staying that long, and B: I’ve never lived in either New York or Illinois. But I was glad for the warning. Bill also told me that he had just gone into semi-retirement, because he wants to “lie low, until I see what happens. You know, because of the election.”

Um. Yeah.

That’s about it for now. I probably won’t be writing much for the couple of weeks, because I’ll be busy temping at a downtown law firm. A big one, I’m sure.

14 thoughts on “Temporary Insanity

  1. kaylee2 says:

    awww i am so happy for you! and you get to see your kids?

    Thanks Kaylee, and yes, I do!

  2. The Dallas/Ft Worth freeways are down right scary, as are many of the drivers. Be careful out there. You are such a well traveled woman as of late. Have you given any thought to trucking? ;) By the way, your funny seems just fine. You go getting to funny and they might lock you up. Texas doesn’t take to kindly to funny people, unless it’s a Texas brand of funny. :P

    What is Texas funny? Wearing your cowboy boots on the wrong feet? Actually, I have met some awfully nice people here. Except on those freeways. I think that my inability to drive calmly on roads with more than 30,000,000 vehicles in each lane precludes me from joining the trucking industry.

  3. Heather says:

    Glad you are close enough that you can see your young’uns for Thanksgiving.
    I would dearly LOVE to see a picture of Theo and Sully. You must work on borrowing a camera so you can post them!
    I would be terrified that a hawk would snatch him, so you should do whatever you have to do to make sure that doesn’t happen! I think I would be arming myself with more than a stick! ;-)
    Take care and try to post when you can!
    Miss your daily ramblings!

    I need to get my camera fixed. There are SO many Kodak moments here (okay, more like Kod-ACK! moments). Yeah, Theo’s way cuter than the pup in that pic, and tinier too.

  4. David says:

    Bill gave good advice I think. (And Peter Parkour too) Maybe he (Bill) can go lie low over to Crawford, with the other low-liars (!). I’m guessing New Hampshire ways wouldn’t play well in TX either, which is fine since I’m planning to NEVER go there and I’m glad to read that you’re only going to be there temporarily. It’s just not the place for someone with a beautiful mind like yours. Or maybe it is, who knows? Ever thought of going to El Paso? Maybe Wendy and Buck have some extra work you could do for the motorcycle magazine? Only problem there would be that the teeny tiny dogs might take a while to work things out.

    Oooh…Crawford’s only a couple of hours from here. Now I have the heebie jeebies.

    Really, it’s not bad here. It’s got its charms. And Ornette Coleman was born here, so it’s got that going for it. There are several art museums that look pretty promising, as well as The National Cowgirl Museum and Hall of Fame,which I must, must visit. Mainly, the unemployment rate is low and the weather is great, super great for my fibro. It’s one of the warmest weather places in close proximity to my kids.

    Yes, Wendy and I have discussed a visit. Although we’re in the same state, we’re still about 600 miles 8.75 hours) apart (It’s only a six hour drive to see my kids, and they’re in Arkinsaw). I hope we can arrange to meet, but no way would I want to live in El Paso. It’s desert, and I’ve read enough of Wendy’s blog to know that I wouldn’t last a day there before I started whining. I think our teeny tiny dogs would get along fabulously though.

  5. thebeadden says:

    I laughed out loud at the thought of Theo and the lights! But the modem guy seems kind of freaky. Glad you got such a sweet deal though.

    Best of luck with your job at the big law firm… :)

    Take care

    Thanks, BD! (I was glad Theo was there to protect me from modem guy)

  6. Kendall says:

    I think you could follow Bill’s advice and lay low (I love David’s idea of “like other low-liars”) till you get through the week and the commute–and maybe a long drive to the kids for Thanksgiving? Texas highways scare the crap out of me. I lived in the Houston area ten years and was so happy to escape this past February, I still wake up thinking I’m dreaming. It was like getting out of jail. No offense intended toward people who like it (but why?). I love the idea of Theo the Christmas Tree, not only is it a safety measure and a yard-and-house-decoration, but it’s environmentally friendly too. Rest, rest girl. Ommmmmmmmmm.

    I went to Houston once and all I remember was that A: It’s HUGE. It took longer to drive from the airport to my host’s home than the flight itself, and B: It’s flat. Pancake flat.

    Ft. Worth is much different, but I haven’t been here long enough for the initial shininess to wear off. And I haven’t been here during a blistering summer, but 70-degree mid-November days are kind of fantastic though.

    The more I think about it, the more I think that Theo would make a dandy tree. His chihuahua-ness would lend things a little southwestern flair, and since we’re in Texas, that’d be nice. I’m going to have to learn “Feliz Navidad” though. Theo only speaks Spanish (so far), and if I’m gathered around him singing carols, I want him to understand the lyrics.

    (You are so right…I am sooooooooo wiped out. Going to bed, but I still haven’t forgotten about the e-mail.)

  7. trishatruly says:

    Ya gotta learn to stick yer finger up in the air as you pass by the f*cktards on the freeway! They expect it!

    The big bugs give me the heeby -jeebies!! I grew up in Central Florida. Texas has NOTHING on Central Florida as far as big bugs go. YUCK!!

    Have a great time seeing your kids. That’s what it’s all about, MMcQ!

    Central Florida bugs must be taking more steroids than the ones here. I don’t even want to imagine them.

    I never give the finger to people with gun racks. It’s just a personal policy. I am learning to be much more assertive about my crazy driving, though. I’m pretending that all of my errors are done on purpose, like everyone else around here. It fills me with a righteous indignation that gets me home safely.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Congrats on the temp job and spending the holidays with your children!

    Seems to me “you’ve still got it, gurl” including your gift of “funniness”

    Looking forward to hearing about the coming adventures in the
    “Life Of MoonBeam McQueen”.

    I am starting to think you have a “gypsy-heart” too. Seems there are a few of us out here.

    Good energies and peace of heart to you!

    Ps Theo needs a body guard..hmm how much did you say Sully weighs?

    Gypsy Heart, is that you? I agree about the body guard for Theo. Sully would make a good one– I’ll have to find out what he charges.

    Can’t wait to see my kids! Good energies back your way, my friend.

  9. kaylee2 says:

    did you ask m y emailed question yet!

    Yep- but by now, you already know that! :)

  10. museditions says:

    I do not like your bugs. But we Arizonans have some doozies as well. You are having such an adventure. I’m enjoying reading how you are getting in touch with your next steps. Texas is a big state (obviously); I wonder how much you’ll see? Temp work rocks! I’ve done a lot of it myself. You paint a charming picture of Theo the chi-tree.

    I think I’d brave the bugs for Arizona winters. It’s turned cold here tonight, and it really is doing a whammy on my bod. Sigh…

    I’m enjoying the people here during this current phase of my adventure. Old Texas guys are such colorful characters, as are some of the other folks around here. Temp work is allowing me to meet a few of them, so you’re right– it rocks!

  11. Oooh, work = money! Congrats on that, and I hope you will like it.

    I’ve seen a hawk pick up a squirrel when I was on a walk. The sad part? He just set him down, and laid on top of him until the squirrel died from fright and struggling. OMG, it was horrifying, you can NEVER let him pee alone!!!

    *Ulp.* I’m going to have squirrel nightmares for weeks!

  12. delaney55 says:

    We travel with our Doxie and have to watch him close whenever we go outside. To many critters out there that would love to have a snack. Hope you like your time in TX.

    And thanks for dropping by and commenting on my other blog, “Women’s Ink” glad you enjoy it.


    This “critter” thing is all new to me. In Ohio, I only had to worry about Theo being abducted by crackheads. The birds were smart enough to stay out of our hood.

    Thank you for stopping by and commenting here. I really do enjoy your blog.

  13. Howdy Moonbeam. Just wanted to let you know that I posted a Crazy Pix in your honor. I hope you like it. ;)

    What a great honor it is, too– I love those pix. Thank you!

  14. russell says:

    Try not to be to hard on us Texans. Though some of us may be a little rough around the edges, most of us are down to earth. Hope you like your visit. Be safe. You guys seem to have a genuinely decent blog going.

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