Card-Carrying Member of the F.B.A.
I’m starting a new organization. It’s called Future Bag Ladies of America, or the F.B.A. Technically, I should probably call it the F.B.L.A., but I like F.B.A. better.
I’m the founding member, the only member, the president for life. If you’d like to join too, send me oh, say, $150 (see the handy Pay Pal button on the sidebar), and I’ll rush you a membership packet, which will include a six pack of Schlitz Malt Liquor, a list of places where you can steal a shopping cart and directions to your nearest homeless shelter. You’ll also get a handy, official F.B.A. membership card, which will allow you to shop at the Salvation Army and enjoy fabulous free meals at your local soup kitchen.
Seriously, I’m freaking out. Forget the writing aspirations, I just need a decent job. The temp agency seems to think that I can live on kudos alone (”They loved you!”), but I’m not getting new assignments. The director of the temp agency who first hired me is now gone, and each time I call, they act as though they’re on the beat, doing nothing but looking for work for me, but I can tell that they’re just sitting around, eating Cheetos and playing poker while I starve.
I signed up with another agency, but so far, nada. I’ve been checking Craigslist, Monster and Career Builder daily, but I’m just not seeing anything that has the magical combination of a living wage and benefits without requiring a brain surgeon’s certificate or a willingness to clean toilets.
I keep going back to job sites, and checking keywords for things like “People Person,” “Neurotic Writer” and “Middle Aged Mess,” but there are no listings. Whattup?
Finding employment has never been much of a problem for me, until recently. I have a lot of great experience in HR, employee data services, and customer service. I’ve had my own office at a University, where I did a bang up job of recruiting and counseling students. I’ve been an optician, a retail manager, a freelance writer and a substitute teacher. I type 70 words per minute, with no errors. I can’t rebuild a carburetor, but maybe I could learn. Anyway, this is all shaking my self-confidence. I blame Bush, not because he did this to me, but because I like blaming him for stuff. Theo pooped on the floor the other night, and I screamed, “Thanks a lot, George Bush!”
Last week, I went down to the weekly newspaper here, armed with tear sheets of articles I’ve written, and a nifty resumé. I met the editor, and was all delighted over the fact that I was standing face-to-face with a bona fide Pulitzer Prize winner. But the face of that winner said, “We have no staff openings, and we never do– our turnover rate is nil.” She did ask me to pitch her some story ideas, and I will, but realistically, I need something that will bring money in now.
This is getting scary.
Note: For peetsakes, please don’t NOT comment because you aren’t joining my club or making a donation. That wasn’t the intent here!
Brian said,
January 7, 2009 at 1:24 pm
At least you haven’t lost your sense of humor! The George Bush thing made me laugh out loud!!
I know times are hard, though, and I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If all else fails, just market yourself as a master photo editor/manipulator. That pic is priceless!
((MBMQ))
Thanks so much (((Brian))). I know that these Internet freakouts can get boring, but I have to get it out of my system from time to time. Making you laugh is a side benefit.
Heather said,
January 7, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Honey have you thought about putting ads on the site? It may not bring in much but it could buy Theo’s food.
I was a member of FBLA in high school, Future Business Leaders of America, it was the biggest club in the school. What can I say we must have been a bunch of nerds.
So I guess F.B.A. is better than F.B.L.A., since that one is already taken.
WordPress doesn’t allow ads, and I’m leery about moving this blog, since I love my readers and don’t want to lose anyone in the process. But maybe a second blog…
fibrohaven said,
January 7, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I agree with Heather. Your writing brings all of us admirers here to get enjoyment from the latest clever thing you have to say. Why not put ads up and make something for all your hard work?
In the meantime I have made a small donation to your paypal. Not enough to become a F.B.A. member, but that is because I don’t like Schlitz!
I have been there Moonbeam. Since my accident I have been working hard to redefine my life and career, but I am fortunate to have the support of my husband. I am happy to be in a position to send you a small gift. I hope it helps.
(((((((((((FH)))))))))))) Thank you so much! That’s a very generous donation, Schlitz or no Schlitz! I’m glad that I don’t need to send you a membership kit– not because I wouldn’t, but because you are (fortunately) unqualified to join.
Redefining is difficult, but we will both be fine. Ugh. I just have no words right now. You’ve overwhelmed me with your kindness. Please check your e-mail for a thank you note.
Abbe said,
January 7, 2009 at 5:59 pm
And one from me as well….wish it could be more.
Truth is, we can all band together in tough times, whether emotional, financial, whatever…isn’t that what kinda makes it all worthwhile!?!
Hopefully everyone will chip in a little… at least enough to get help get you through
And no Schlitz for me either, yuck!
Peace
Abbe
Is this a plot to get me to shut up? Because I really am having trouble forming the sentences to express my gratitude. I really, really have to be quiet now. I just can’t express myself right now. Wahhhhhh!
Thank you again (((((((((Abbe))))))))). You’re a major sweetie.
P.S. Check your e-mail.
Omnibus Driver said,
January 8, 2009 at 11:13 am
If you don’t mind Chicago, my company is frantically searching for an office manager. (After months they finally had one lined up… and she couldn’t pass the background test. Sigh.)
Anyhow, they’re hiring through Williams Lea, which is a global outsourcing firm for all sorts of positions. Since you’re able to pick up and move easily, who knows where you might land?
Email me at omnibus-dot-driver-at-gmail-dot-com if you want more info.
Good luck!
Thanks for the lead, Leslie! I’m not sure if I’m ready to move to the Windy City (though my brother just moved there and loves it), but I’d love more info, so I’m e-mailing you. I appreciate this very much!
Magik Quilter said,
January 8, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Hope something gives soon Moonbeam….in a good way that is.
Thanks, MK– I think it’s giving!
Kendall said,
January 8, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Being between jobs is terrifying. I didn’t NOT comment because of not having anything to contribute (although I DO belong in your club and only social security keeps me out of it at the moment). Don’t forget my friend in Ft. Worth who is a writer and makes a living at it…and I LOVE Chicago. Ethnic neighborhoods, energy, wonderful crazy people. The weather is yuck though. Love you! Laughing with you! Qualified FBLA
Kendall
(((Kendall))), I’m embarrassed to say that I did forget your FW friend! I’ll go back and reread that conversation we had about it in our e-mails.
I know Chicago has to be an amazing city, because even though the weather stinks, everyone talks about how great it is.
Thank you for laughing with me. Believe it or not, I really do try to find humor in all of this, even when I’m terrified!
David said,
January 8, 2009 at 8:13 pm
LOL on blaming Bush for Theo poo!!! I almost think that you could copyright a new websniglet: TALGB!! Better get right on that since any profit to be made needs to happen in the next TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!
And now I will cross all fingers and toes for moonbeam’s job hunt. Ouch.
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but have you ever looked at the employment @ web pages of any of your nearby institutions of higher ed?
Thanks so much for the crossed digits, David! Hmmmm…what else can we blame on George? Oh, I know– my car is really dirty. Thanks a lot, George Bush! There’s no way I could get a websniglet up and running in two weeks. I’m just too computer illiterate— THANKS A LOT, GEORGE BUSH!!!
You’re right about searching for university jobs. I’m on the prowl!
kimiam said,
January 9, 2009 at 3:48 pm
omg, I would love it if you get the writing job, moonbeam! lol at George’s mess on your floor. Darn him.
I’d love it too, Kim. Shoot. Tonight I ate too much pasta salad. Darn that George Bush!
thegirlfromtheghetto said,
January 9, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Man, the economy sucks. I’d say move to Michigan, but our unemployment rate is up to 9.2%. EVERYONE I know is getting laid off, or their husband has. I am so made that I can’t find a new job, even though I have one, I want one that uses my damn degree. Been looking for 2 1/2 years. Ugh! Now that I have vented, why not try to hang out where lawyers work. Lawyers always need help in their offices. Try looking for legal assistant or secretary jobs in the area … and you have to look at legal websites, so start noticing the names of law firms. Go with a small to midsize, they will train you, and the big ones won’t touch you unless you have experience. Good luck!!! I am so sorry!!!
I have a brother in Kalamazoo, and he says the same thing. I’m sorry you still have that hated job, but I’m glad you have that hated job too!
The best experience I’ve had so far as a temp was at a law firm. Fascinating! I’ll expand my search to include that– thank you for the suggestion!
Please don’t be sorry– this will all work out just fine.
Alyson said,
January 11, 2009 at 12:06 am
LOL at blaming Bush. I’ll start trying that too. My kitchen is a mess, damn Mr. Bush.
Hang in there.
(((Alyson)))! I’m so sorry about your kitchen– I’m going to blame him for the dish I broke tonight while cleaning mine.
trailerparkbarbie said,
January 13, 2009 at 10:42 am
Send membership package immediately!!!!
Romi said,
January 13, 2009 at 7:49 pm
My cat didn’t bury his pee in the litter box today, and I blamed George W. with a shakin’ fist
PS: Hope the job hunt is going a bit better; after all the employable skills you listed, I really believe it’s only a matter of time!
*hugs*