Texas Tub Roach- EEEEEEEEEEE
Not to dampen your holiday spirit, but when I went to take a shower this morning, there was a roach the size of a Palomino pony in the tub, so I opted to wait to be clean until I got home from work.
These varmints are everywhere. The house is clean, but they hang around out of boredom, waiting to see if a crumb drops, so they can wrestle you to the ground and steal it. They aren’t the tiny, delicate roaches featured in Better Homes and Gardens; they’re the super-sized ones that grow near nuclear power plants and spread their evil spawn all over Texas. Roach Hotels for these things would have to be the size of a Hilton. If they didn’t make me sick to look at, I could saddle one up and teach Theo to ride, and we could make some serious money.
They make my hair stand up on end, though. I can’t stand them. They horrify me and make me scream when I don’t mean to.
My hope was that this particular roach would be intelligent enough to figure out a method of escape before I got home. A don’t ask, don’t tell policy. I wouldn’t ask how he escaped or to where, and he wouldn’t have to come back and tell me. Because honestly, the thought of squishing one of these monstrous things makes me extremely queasy. It would be like stepping on a squirrel, only much, much grosser.
I peeked around the shower curtain when I got home, and at first, I didn’t see him. That’s because he’s a roach, and he has super roach powers and super roach intelligence, and he was hiding near the wall of the tub closest to me so that I couldn’t immediately detect him. Bastard.
So now I have to figure out what to do. My friend Botmo is out of town, so I don’t have to pretend to be brave; on the other hand, I can’t wuss out and ask her to handle it. I’ve been pacing around, trying to come up with a solution. My goal is to get rid of him with as little bloodshed as possible, and without screaming. Did I mention that roaches make me scream? It’s not a regular scream either- it’s a special one, reserved for gargantuan insects, and it goes a little like this: “Eeeeeeeeee…. eeeeeeeeeeee….. eeeeeeeeeeee…..” Only louder.
Here are the solutions I’ve come up with so far:
1: Suck him up into the vacuum cleaner. This won’t work, because there’s a possibility that he’ll crawl out of the bag in the middle of the night and strangle me in my sleep.
2: Buy a shotgun and blow him to smithereens. Again, no, because I’ll have to apply for a gun license which will take a week or so, and by that time my hair will be really dirty. Also, it could maybe damage my friend’s tub.
3: Lasso and hogtie him. This seems appropriate for Texas roaches, but it won’t work because I would possibly have to touch him, and I’d still have to figure out how to dispose of him after I caught him. Plus, I don’t know how to lasso. Even if I did, I have no appropriate cowgirl outfit.
4: Wash him down the drain. This won’t work, because he’s too huge to fit down the holes, even though they’re quite large. Besides he’d crawl back up and jump on me while I was showering, and I’d have a heart attack and die.
5: Call 9-1-1. I think that this would be a legitimate call, but I’m afraid they’d disagree.
So, that’s all I’ve come up with. Well, actually, there’s the one that my creature-loving friend Botmo does, which involves catching him in a jar (it would have to be the size of a pickle barrel), taking him outside, and telling him that I’m sorry, but he has to go somewhere else. Catch and release. I’m having trouble with this one, because A, I’ll have to look at him, B, I wouldn’t really be sorry, so that would be a lie, and C, he’s going to jump out of the jar and crawl on me and I’ll have a heart attack and die.
If you come up with any better (non-chemical) ideas, please, I beg of you, let me know. I’m getting itchy.
Brian said,
December 26, 2008 at 11:23 pm
I’d take a shoe and whack the heck out of him. Then I’d spread some Boric Acid around the place. I’m not sure how safe it is for pets, but the following link says it’s no more toxic than table salt. Apparently it works wonders for roach infestations.
(I’ll put the link in a separate comment in case it gets marked as spam.)
I just can’t do the shoe!!! I can’t squish him– he’s too big. Seriously, think palm of your hand.
Boric acid is a great idea– it’s sprinkled in the kitchen, but not in the bathroom. I wonder where Botmo keeps hers? I should find it and pour it on top of him. I’ll still have to dispose of the body though. Eeeyooo.
I’m still working up the courage to do the jar thing, just in case the boric acid plan fails.
Brian said,
December 26, 2008 at 11:23 pm
http://www.mouthstick.net/tipsbits/boric.htm
Thanks so much, Brian! Oh, dear God, as I was writing this, Theo started barking like crazy, and I looked to see what all the fuss was. There is a GIANT ROACH in my BEDROOM!! I’m flipping out!! It’s a home invasion— eek!!!!
fibrohaven said,
December 27, 2008 at 2:28 pm
OMG Moonbeam. I am having trouble breathing now after reading your post. I have a huge phobia of roaches and you write SO WELL, I am afraid to go look in my tub!
They are just so gross and nasty and fast and sneaky and creepy! Did you ever see the movie Creep Show? If you haven’t – DON’T. I am picturing you home alone with 2 of those gross little bastards and I want to send my husband over there for you. He would help you if he could.
I feel totally panicked right now. I hope you were able to evict them! Wish I knew of a sure-fired, foolproof way to get rid of them for you. Me, I would probably move to Canada!
I’m so sorry, FH– I didn’t mean to give you a panic attack. I share your phobia, and was having one too when I wrote this last night. All of the attributes you’ve written about roaches are exactly right, and I think that there are many, many people in this world who would pay your husband good money to come over and squash roaches for them. I’d be first in line.
Here’s the rest of the story. The one in the bedroom disappeared, and I was flipping out. Later, I went into the bathroom, looked in the tub (I had a jar with me), and the monster tub roach was GONE!!! I think the one in the bedroom was the bathtub roach, coming to beat the hell out of me. Once I spotted him though, he knew the jig was up, and he disappeared. I spent a lot of time room cleaning and roach searching today. I never did find him, but I know he’ll be back.
Peter Parkour said,
December 27, 2008 at 4:29 pm
A stick… with a nail in it.
GREAT idea! A twenty-foot long stick!
kimiam said,
December 27, 2008 at 6:06 pm
LOL! sell the house and move.
It’s my friend’s house and she rents it.
David said,
December 27, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Hilarious moonbeam!
Sounds like them palmetto bugs I remember from my 7th and 8th grade years in south Florida. They were more like small turtles than large insects … but you’ve done some great thinking about how to deal. I think you’re missing just one thing.
You’re intimidated by the mega roach only because you hear it laughing at your entire species. Well don’t let that get ya! OK? We’re doomed! So what? Listen, lady, you’ve given birth and raised a couple of children right? So the cockroach had two THOUSAND children! BIG DEAL! You are a HUMAN. Humans don’t flip out, right? We’re the premiere species of the planet! So WHAT if the roaches inherit the earth. They can freakin HAVE it after we’re done with it, HUH?!?!
Here’s another suggestion. I apologize if it’s too weird, but I think that Theo should be protecting you here! The terrier domain (he’s part terrier right?) is to protect their masters against any smaller-bodied varmints. And here’s the real eeeeewwww … but that roach might just be a delicious treat for Theo. Or might send him squealing under the couch, I don’t really know. Anyway, the main idea is that you (and Theo) are the superior species in this contest, by many orders of magnitude.
So come ON lady. You’ve faced worse beasts many times before …
♥
I’m sorry David, but I just can’t be logical on this one. When it comes to roaches and giant spiders, all bets are off on rational thinking. They scare me to death. So, premiere species or not, I still need to stock up on Depends for these situations. If it’s bigger than a Twinkie and crunches when it’s stepped on, I start feeling faint.
Actually, Theo did really great. He barked, growled, pointed and alerted me about the second roach, but he was too smart to eat it. I think that it was at that point that I was supposed to pull out a shotgun and kill it. Theo would have retrieved it, I’m sure of it.
teeni said,
December 27, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Yikes! I hate those things. How about somehow catching it in a big container and then letting it outside? The container should be big enough that you don’t have to get within a foot of the thing and small enough that you can get through doorways with it. LOL. Then it’s Theo’s job to alert you if he notices the thing trying to get back into the house. Ewww.
You read my mind, Teeni. I did get a big container and pep-talked myself into catching him, but he was gone by the time I braved up enough to do it. Theo is a great alerter, so I’ll be ready for next time.
Even I don’t believe the last part of that last sentence.
Magik Quilter said,
December 27, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Sounds like the kind of varmint that dwells in Sydneysider’s immaculately clean homes….and they fly as well. Am thinking David has some good points but he did not cover the other thing human attribute….fear of creepy crawlies! I wonder what is the roaches natural enemy…apart from man?
Personally I would squish it but it’s a lot of work afterwards…all that sterilising so that you can even contemplate getting in the shower and you need to be quick and nimble…but wait …..you said it’s in the bedroom now and no word since ….you can’t let the creepy crawly take over the bedroom Moonbeam…action of some sort is needed…before it colonises in there.
Ick. Yes, since moving here, I’ve found out that in Texas, cleanliness has nothing to do with where these guys set up shop.
David is a good man, but he just doesn’t understand that these are ROACHES I’m talking about here. Gigantic, hideous, diabolical roaches.
I can’t squish them, MQ, I just can’t. It’s not that I’m overly humane toward these creatures, it’s that my gag reflex will go into overdrive (and I really will scream involuntarily).
He’s out of the bedroom. I searched everywhere today, and he was nowhere to be found. He’s probably built a secret hideout, and is hiring some assistants to exact revenge on me for letting him stay in the bathtub for 18 hours.
Kendall said,
December 28, 2008 at 1:36 am
Oh lord, I’m laughing so hard I can hardly see the screen. Your local hardware store probably has boxes of diatomaceous earth. It’s similar to boric acid, but it won’t hurt Theo even if he EATS it. It’s the ground up bodies of little fossilized critters, a white powder, and it works really well, never expires or wears out (unless it gets really wet). I learned about it after an attack of bedbugs. The only down-side is that you have to live with the white powder. But I’m thinking, white powder vs. the Roach That Ate the World, you’ll go for the white powder. Good luck!
Diatomaceous earth– yes! That’s what my friend uses (not boric acid)! It seems to work, but there wasn’t any in the bathroom, so I guess that’s how he gained entrance. I’d take that white powder over a brown gargantuan insect any day!
Abbe said,
December 28, 2008 at 9:24 am
Hi MB,
I’m right there with you on the giant roach & spider thing…truth is they don’t even need to be giant…any bugs have the same effect on me.
Now, as I see it, you have a couple of option: First, since you are in Texas, think Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Get yourself a nice leatherface mask (with eye holes) and a chainsaw (even a small one will work) and chase that sucker around until you can get it with the chainsaw…I believe there will be much less “crunch” sound than if you went with the traditional shoes method.
Second, what worked for me and could work for you if you can keep it in the bathtub. I know you are opposed to using chemicals, but this is my best method…Get a can of RAID. Get one of those breathing apparatus things (you can get inexpensive imitation ones at Home Depot) and a spacesuit for full body protection. Go into the bathroom and close the door. Declare to critter that the dwelling is not big enough for both of you and that only one of you will get out alive. Let the critter know (in no uncertain terms) that you intend for that to be you. Pull back the shower curtain, get the critter in your sites and spray directly onto it…continue to spray until either the critter dies or you run out of ammunition. Be sure to use a directional spray technique to keep the critter and the RAID in the tub. Wait until the critter is DEFINITELY dead (they can trick you with this). Get a pooper scooper (long handle keeps you far away from the body of the critter) and a broom, and use the broom to get the now dead critter into the scooper. Either flush the remains (your best bet in case of reincarnation), or dispose of the body in another safe and undetectable (by the critter posse) method. Return to the scene and wash down the bathtub of any remaining ammunition….let the water run for awhile to be sure it is gone.
Hope that helps. I also recommend investing in jousting gear for an future needs along these lines.
Good luck and may the force be with you.
Abbe
Heehee. This was hiLARious! I actually did think about “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” and I’m wondering if roaches didn’t inspire the whole story. You’re so right about drowning out the sound of the crunching– nice!
Raid is just not an option. My friend has really horrible allergies and asthma and chemicals are just a big no no. HOWEVER, I’m seriously going to purchase a long-handled pooper scooper, just for insects. It’s the best idea ever. Someone should buy a bunch of them, slap a label on them that says, “Bug Remover” and resell them at double the price. Jousting gear or a HAZMAT suit would be a perfect addition!
I think the force is with me. Roach King left, and I got to shower!
oh said,
December 28, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Yup, the damn things live in Florida. They just don’t have a drawl like those in Texas. Thing is, they won’t go away if you don’t suggest by either murder or chemicals that they do. (and, they may come back, other ones, new ones, bigger ones …!) (sorry, just kidding.)
When we lived in florida and one came along, I used my husband’s shoe to do them in. He has a b ig foot. I w ould have used my husband but he traveled a lot at the time.
I did the damn things in with his shoes because as much as I’m afraid of them, they brought out my mother tiger instincts, as in, get rid of them so they wouldn’t bother my children. Yes, those palmettos are big enough to carry off your young. So, I took the shoe, aimed, closed my eyes and whacked the bloody hell out of them. (Some require several whacks.) And that’s if they don’t fly away or fly at you to begin with.
But you must not allow them to roam the house, and surprise you every time you turn around. You must follow through. You must. And don’t worry that once you squashed them, you will notice a slightly pervasive stinct. It is not you and your fright-sweat; it is the insect’s death stink. Ugh.
You gotta do them in. You do not want to slink around your house wondering when or where they’ll pop up next. Think of it as a video game or something. Or, get the Terminex guy in there and make SURE he gets ‘em.
Good luck. Your mission impacts everyone in all the states where the giant palmetto roams, and swaggers.
Oh my gosh– I never thought I’d be laughing so hard at roach stories! I wonder how many children have actually been carried off by these things.
Ugh…ugh…ugh…but I’m still laughing, so thanks!
kimiam said,
December 28, 2008 at 4:17 pm
so, Moonbeam, it’s your roomates house and she rents it…she’ll be all the more suprised when she comes home to find you’ve sold it!
Seriously, this method is proven effective!! One day back when I lived in Texas, my husband was in the other room changing our precious baby girl. He screamed out, “Oh my Gawwddd…Oh my gawwwd!! so, I grabbed the phone and ran back there thinking I was going to be dialing 911. There he stood with my little girl on the changing table in mid-diaper change, explosive diarhea splattered all over the wall next to them. We sold the house and moved to North Carolina. (We tell my daughter this story all the time.)
I just can’t stop laughing at these comments. Bwahhahah!
David said,
December 28, 2008 at 9:11 pm
I understand that this is not an easy thing to consider that this creature shares 90+ percent of your DNA and as a fellow earthling should not really inspire such dread and creeped-out-ness. It’s an reflexive visceral reaction and a logically defensive one too.
Abbe makes some pretty good suggestions! Did you bring your chainsaw from Dayton? The diatomaceous earth works for slugs too, but that stuff will be harder to find than RAID or other chemicals. What about those Roach Motel thingies? Don’t they have some of those at your supermarket?
If they had roach motels big enough for these things, I’d have to put it outside– it’d be like an addition to the house.
raincoaster said,
December 30, 2008 at 4:58 am
Did you know if you spray them with Aqua Net or some other cheezy, sixties hairspray with bulletproof hold, it’ll freeze them in place so you can scoop them up and throw them into a nuclear cooling tower or something? It’s true. It’s a fact.
I forgot about this method, Rain! I used to use Aqua Net on roaches in Arkansas. I thought it just worked there because they were redneck roaches. But again, I think the fumes would make it a no go.
My new method, should I decide to stay in Texas, will be to Aqua Net the demons to death, scoop them up with the pooper scooper, carry them to whatever Dallas suburb George Bush is moving to and dump them in his yard.
thegirlfromtheghetto said,
December 30, 2008 at 11:59 am
Gross, gross, gross, although personally I’ll pick a bug or spider over a mouse. Yikes!
There are no mice here. The roaches eat them.
2lazydogs said,
December 30, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Ewww, ewww, ewwww. I’m sorry, but I don’t have any good solutions for this one. I’ve only had to deal with the small roaches that can be washed down the drain quickly with a torrent of water. And, yeah, squishing the thing would be nasty. I can’t even imagine the sound of one of those suckers being squished. I think I just gagged a little thinking about it.
I just hope Theo doesn’t get an idea and try to eat it. My dogs have a tendency to eat ANYTHING that’s crawling around.
Good luck on this mission!!
Theo wouldn’t go near that thing. He thought about it, but wisely decided that even THAT was too gross for him (and he eats cat poop). Today, he caught a wasp mid-flight, but quickly spit it out. It was sort of amazing! But still, ewww.
The Vinyl Villager said,
December 31, 2008 at 4:43 pm
A snake could fall out of the ceiling, and I would just pick it up and throw it outside. A spider could inch its way across my face, and it would hardly bother me.
But if I even SEE a roach, my skin crawls and I shreik like a 6 year old little girl.
thebeadden said,
December 31, 2008 at 7:03 pm
So good to read your posts, Moon. I’ve never seen one of those in person. Very creepy!
Have a wonderful New Year!
Sometimes Saintly Nick said,
January 2, 2009 at 12:01 am
I had my fill of the crawlies when I was in seminary.
Happy New Year!
May you be blessed with much happiness and many joys in 2009!
Happy New Year to you too, Nick! I wish the same blessings for you and Alex.
Romi said,
January 4, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Gosh, none of those options sound fun, but I’m wondering…did you get rid of that awful thing by now? Hope so!!
And Happy New Year
Happy New Year, Romi!! Yes, he’s gone. Well, not gone, but in hiding, which is good enough for me– at least I can shower without fear.
ellaella said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Ewww. I hate bugs. I have one of those bug repellers that plugs into the wall and supposedly sends out something that’s supposed to make the critters stay away. The light is on so I know it’s not dead, but bugs apparently think the light is to let them know where to gather for their union meetings.
Happy New Year and may your creatures in the rest of this year have no more than 4 legs.
LOL! I think that these roaches must be members of the Local Teemsters Union (since this area seems to be teeming with them).
That is the nicest New Year’s greeting I’ve gotten so far!!! I wish the same for you, Ella!
Edie said,
July 12, 2009 at 8:05 am
I’ve never laughed so hard in my life! I just got online to try and figure out what to do about these roaches. I get sick every time I see one. The suckers are fast too! Where in the world do they come from? What can I get to get rid of them, Seriously! Thanks for the laughs and the advise.
Robyn said,
September 3, 2009 at 7:56 am
Um, you do realize that the ones in texas can fly also? I found that out the hard way. Also the huge crickets in texas can also fly.
Frances said,
November 2, 2009 at 1:23 am
just cut up a cucumber and set up dishes around the house and he will be out i there fast. their noses and sinus can’t handle it.