So This Explains It: Brain Borers
“Doctor,” I pleaded, shimmering tears gliding down my face like Paris runway models, “you gotta help me.”
I sat in Dr. Perfect’s exam room, dressed in one of those fancy paper gowns, and I confess that I was at my wit’s end. For weeks, I’d been unable to write. My blogging skills had diminished tenfold, and I was having trouble composing grocery lists.
Doctor P. tapped on my head, then listened to my brain with his stethoscope. He shook me by the shoulders and listened for rattling, in an attempt to determine if anything had come loose. “Hmmmmmm… interesting,” he muttered.
Quickly, he hit me with a barrage of questions, simple things like:
“What’s the capitol of Atlanta?”
“What time is it?”
“Who’s the king of France?”
“What is the chemical structure of S-Adenosyl methionine?”
“What in the world could Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman possibly have in common?”
With Tommy Gun precision, I quickly fired back the answers:
“India!”
“Yes!”
“Two thumbs up!”
“Mudpuppies!”
“Corky Romano!”
Although I felt that I had aced the test, the doctor seemed concerned. He tapped my head several more times with a rubber mallet and I involuntarily began to whistle the theme to The Andy Griffith Show.
Doctor Perfect sighed and looked into my ear with a flashlight.
“Just as I suspected,” he said. “Brain Borers.”
“Brain Borers?” I asked.
“Have you recently had your head in the grass?” he queried. “You know, any upside-down lawn mowing,
weed wrestling, anything like that?”
I vaguely remembered falling asleep beneath a tree at the park while listening to a CD of Perry Como singing Megadeth covers a couple of weeks earlier.
“I was afraid of that,” the doctor said. “That’s when they got in. They’ve invaded your brain.”
“I don’t know anything about Brain Borers. What do they do?”
“Well, in layman’s terms, they crawl into your ear and dig tunnels in your head. They nibble their way to your brain and start building complex societies out of these little Lego-like blocks…”
“Writers blocks!” I shouted. I finally understood what was happening.
Dr. P. looked at me and chuckled one of those fake chuckles that they teach at medical school. “Exactly.”
“So what do I do? Is there a cure?”
“Well, there are two courses of action we can take,” he explained. “The first is that we crack your skull open like a hardshell crab and dig all of those little suckers out of there with tweezers…”
“Yes!” I said excitedly. “Let’s do that!” I wanted those damned little critters out of my brain, and fast.
“…or, I could just write you a prescription.”
“Oh,” I said. “That might be better.”
He scribbled on a prescription pad, tore off the page and handed it to me.
“This is called Bor-Ax,” he said. “It’s been shown to be extremely effective in killing Brain Borers. Take two a day for the next ten days, and soon you’ll be writing again. And you’ll know that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban share a love for all things country.”
“Thanks Doc,” I said with relief.
“Glad I could help.” He patted my knee congenially and added, “Oh, by the way, you should know that side effects may include headaches, dizziness and nausea. In clinical tests, some patients experienced hypertension, psychotic episodes and sexual dysfunction. If you have an erection lasting longer than twelve hours, discontinue use. Other reported reactions have been loss of appetite, increased appetite, weight gain, weight loss, obsessive compulsive behavior, decreased lung function, blindness, death, tingling in the extremities (and not in a good way), deafness, water on the knee, that goddamned Tourette’s Syndrome, muscle weakness and fatigue, depression, disorientation and suicidal tendencies, diarrhea, constipation, anorexia nervosa and chronic overeating. In laboratory tests, seven out of ten mice contracted pinky toe cancer. Other adverse reactions include a sudden shift to neoconservatism, delusions of grandeur, shape shifting and a yearning to wear horizontal stripes. If you experience a strong need to listen to Michael Bolton CDs or develop a sudden admiration for Paris Hilton, dial 9-1-1 immediately. Do not lift heavy machinery while taking this medication. Oh, and Moonbeam?”
“Yes, doctor?”
“Make sure you go to a brain detailing place after you’ve finished the treatment. You’ll need to get those dead Brain Borers vacuumed out.”
“Thanks, doc.”
I left Doctor Perfect’s office with new hope. Soon, the Brain Borers will be gone, I’ll be writing prolifically, and my brain will be back to normal. Well, my normal anyway.
Willie G said,
July 16, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Yeah!!!! You are back and obviously feeling much better. This was a great post. I needed a good laugh this afternoon, and you have delivered. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
“the goddamn Tourette’s Syndrome” CLASSIC!!!
I’m glad I gave your your afternoon laugh, Willie. I still feel ookie, so I laid on my desk and slowly typed it out. I wanted to tell the story, in hopes that others would be spared the same fate.
CuriousC said,
July 16, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Well, it sounds like the medication is taking effect. What a smart doctor you have. I’d just been wondering myself what the deal is with Kidman-Urban.
I think it is starting to help, C. My doctor is smart. Next time I see him, I’m going to ask him what the capitol of Atlanta really is.
joanharvest said,
July 16, 2008 at 4:33 pm
At least you figured out your problem. You must have a really good doctor. I just hope you don’t have too many side effects from the medication. I’d almost rather have brain borers than admiration for Paris Hilton If you do get the shape shifting side effect I want to know. I might just try the medication myself. Shape Shifting sounds like fun.
Moonbeam is definitely BACK!!!
So far, so good on the Paris Hilton thing, Joan. She still seems vacant and creepy, so I think I’m good there. Shape-shifting sounds fun to me, too. If I develop that side effect, I’m going to change my shape into something twenty years younger and a cup size bigger.
birdpress said,
July 16, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Great post!
Thanks, bird!
Abbe said,
July 16, 2008 at 6:17 pm
I love your attitude! I also love your list of side effects…I can almost hear the commercial with the guy that reads the side effects really fast except for that one about the four hour erections. A guy once told me that if had an erection that lasted for four hours, there was no way he was gonna call his doctor…he was gonna call a film crew!
good luck with the borers!
Abbe
Thanks, Abbe. I believe I can hear the borers groaning before they keel over and hit the base of my skull. I can’t wait to get them all vacuumed up! Hmmmmmm….I think that if that guy had a four hour erection, it might be his partner that ended up calling the doctor! On second thought….
museditions said,
July 16, 2008 at 7:54 pm
You know, I’ve been reading your blog long enough to know you are a Person Of Integrity (or poi). Otherwise I might just suspect you were making this up! The color x-ray image you included of the lego-like village inside your head is truly frightening. I never knew such things existed. You might best get your head cracked open instead…that “sudden shift to neoconservativsm” possibility makes me shudder! My gosh! If you become an horizontal stripe-wearing neoconservative, just, please, don’t blog ’til it passes!
Thank you for calling me a “poi,” Mused (seriously)! That village in my head isfrightening. So complex– I think it even has its own little mayor. Of course, this is all true, and I hope to spread the word about brain borers to the rest of the world in hopes that no one else contracts this serious malady. No side effects from the Bor-ax yet, thank goodness, but if I start having them, I’ll keep my fingers off the keyboard.
Adam said,
July 16, 2008 at 9:02 pm
You’re cured!!!! It’s worth a little goddamned Tourette’s. …but not neoconservatism. —or Michael Bolton.
As I said before, those pharmaceutical companies can be very cruel with their side-effects.
The Michael Bolton thing frightens me most of all, Adam. I was humming “When a Man Loves a Woman” earlier, but thankfully, it was the Percy Sledge version.
kaylee said,
July 16, 2008 at 9:07 pm
ummm that was all fiction right?
kaylee said,
July 16, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I miss you The most in my blogging absence. The rest of my bloggers not soo much
Now, don’t any of you reading this take that as an insult. 
Hi Kaylee– thank you! I know you have a million blog friends, and that you are partial to many, so I don’t think anyone would be offended. I’ll be by to chat soon. I hope you’re feeling well– smart of you to take a blog break.
kaylee said,
July 16, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I am so glad you are better though! I need to get better at purtting all these thoughts in one comment huh?
I am feeling better (still have the swollen glands and low energy though). And you can leave ten comments as far as I’m concerned.
kaylee said,
July 16, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Thank you ,moonbeam and will be here
thebeadden said,
July 16, 2008 at 10:18 pm
It’s great to have you back, Moonbeam!
Thanks, BD!
Peter Parkour said,
July 16, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I guessing you were already taking some pills when you wrote this post.
Very fun, funny and entertaining.
Um….maybe a few. I’m so glad you stopped by– I’ve been wanting to add you to my blogroll, but didn’t see a recent post on my links page. Now I can do it the lazy way and add you from here!
teeni said,
July 17, 2008 at 12:18 am
This was a fun read! Hope you are feeling a thousand times better.
Thanks, teeni! I am feeling so much better— the Bor-Ax is working!
kyknoord said,
July 17, 2008 at 6:49 am
Hmmm… I think someone’s been slipping Bor-Ax into my coffee. At least that annoying tingling in the extremities (and not in a good way) clears up after rigor mortis.
Uh oh, kyknoord. I suggest you dial 9-1-1 immediately. If you’re being slipped Bor-Ax and you don’t actually have Brain Borers, there could be trouble. Please don’t wait for the rigor mortis to set in!
Queen of Planet Hotflash said,
July 17, 2008 at 12:45 pm
The Queen Borer resides in my head, will Bor-ax work or is something stronger needed like……. tequila?
I don’t really know if tequila would do it, Queenie, but you could really have some fun finding out!
QuakerDave said,
July 17, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Sounds like someone’s on the mend…
I get me some of that thar med’cine, but considering my recent luck with medications, I’d get green hives all over my whatever or some vital organ would turn purple, shivel up, and fall off.
I am mending, Dave. I wish it was a faster process, but I’ll take what I can get!
As for you– you can never, ever take Bor-Ax. With your sensitivities to meds, you’d suffer all of these side effects, including the ones you’ve mentioned. Mrs. Dave would hunt me down and beat me up, no matter how pacifistic she may normally be!
kaylee said,
July 17, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Hope you are doing better NOW
I am 
kaylee said,
July 17, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Dear Everyone.
You all have provided me with a much needed laugh on this otherwise horrible Day.
Glad you’re laughing, Kaylee! And after reading your previous comment, I’m glad you’re feeling better too!
kaylee2 said,
July 17, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Thank you moonbeam. Its great too have these kind of days when I feel like I got some energy.
kaylee said,
July 17, 2008 at 7:07 pm
moonbeam,
can we talk soon? there is something that is bothering me
Sure we can. I’ve been taking it a little easy from the computer, but I’ll try to come by your blog for a bit tonight.
David said,
July 17, 2008 at 7:08 pm
OH YEAH, the ‘beam is back!
Wicked funny post, though a little scary too, what with the brain borers and Lego™ blocks and stuff. Uggh.
Medical stuff is scary, even with Dr. Perfect at one’s side. I’ll stick with Dr. Seuss!
And maybe some Moonbeam for comic relief! I loved your riffing on possible side effects. Death is one pesky side effect. And goddamn Tourette’s- HAA that made me loll honest it did!
Hope you’re seriously on the mend, cuz you’re awful funny!
It is scary Dave. I will never again lay on the grass without first spraying myself with a healthy dose of DDT. I’m mending, just not quite “me” yet.
Oh, speaking of Dr. Seuss, you should go to Peter Parkour’s “Hate and Anger” blog (on my sidebar) for some hilarity.
Wendy said,
July 18, 2008 at 11:02 am
Hope the Bor-Ax is helping and you don’t have to take the next step: BoraTeam.
P.S.- Your doctor looks like a priest I once knew.
BoraTeam! Ha! Or Boraxo. Are we old?
If I knew a priest who looked like that, I’d consider converting.
Wendy said,
July 19, 2008 at 10:26 pm
You don’t need to convert. Just watch Thorn Birds, if you can stand it. It’s Richard Chamberlain’s finest role: he pretends to like girls.
I remember. He almost pulled it off too. If he didn’t win and Emmy for that performance, he should have.