The Job, The Dog, The Mountains and the Chair. Oh, and Some Really Bad Rap.
Remember that job? The one that was going to last until the end of May? The one where I said something like, “Yes, it’s an hour and a half away, but it’s only for six weeks…”?
Well, six weeks is now going to be sixteen. End of July. I don’t wanna talk about it. I’ll probably end up griping about it at some point on my Fibromyalgia blog, but for now, I’m just too wiped out to do it. I’m too wiped out to do much of anything more strenuous than take the pup to the park. I’ve also been in a really, really bad mood, and if I could go on vacation from myself, I’d gladly do it. All together now: “Poor Tom. Poor, poor Tom.”
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He’s smart and funny, affectionate and (usually) obedient. His current tricks are boinging (bouncing), sitting, and he’s learning to shake hands. I’m also teaching him a bit of Spanish and some PhotoShop.
Mostly he poops. If he were a book in the Bible, he’s be Pooteronomy. If he were a doughboy, he’d be Poopin’ Fresh. I usually call him “Poop Pooperton,” but he’s finally learning to do it in the proper locale, so we’re good.
Theo is a Ghost Dog. Some would say he’s just neurotic and hallucinates, but I know that he’s likely some distant kin of John Edward. He sees things that we mere mortals don’t even realize exist. He gets really focused on a particular location in the air and growls this constant low rumble. Sometimes he moves his eyes a little and barks, and the only explanation I can think of is that he sees dead people.
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Lila and Ray strolled by on Friday, and Ray informed me that he had given Lila permission to speak to us. He’s apparently the alpha dog in the family, and it amazes me that Lila, so bubbly and full of energy, has to obtain consent to converse from an insanely jealous, eighty-something year old, swizzle stick-sized former alcoholic, who moves with the swiftness of a slug and is about as menacing as, well, as Theo. At any rate, it was great to see them. They’d taken Ray to the doctor earlier in the afternoon, so Lila was decked out in a navy blue polyester pantsuit with a cross on her lapel, underneath, she had on a purple tee-shirt announcing her as a member of a high school drill team. I love talking to her, and I can tell that she really loves Ray.
I haven’t seen a trace of Ollie, and Lila says that his family may have moved again. I really miss that kid.
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Does anyone know anything about Asheville, North Carolina? I’m thinking that this may be the place that we relocate. If my job ever ends, we’re going to go check it out. Asheville proper may be a little cost-prohibitive, but it’s calling me. I want to visit some of the surrounding towns as well, to see if there’s one where we may want to settle.
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I really, really want this massage chair. Ugly? Yes, but I think it’s my cure for Fibromyalgia. There is a mall near where I work, and when I’m really hurting, I go and visit it. It reeeeeallly helps my body. The salespeople at Brookstone in Columbus and Dayton know me now, and they are really sweet about my test driving. Unfortunately, it’s about $2000 that I don’t have.
Must…win…lottery….
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Here are some hilarious videos that I’ve been wanting to share with you. If you’re offended by cursing, you should fucking skip the first one.
Little Miss said,
June 8, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I’ve got my hands in the air! Oh, right, that’s maybe TMI. How funny those are. If I had to write any web copy right now, it would come out sounding like that third video. Frikkin’ funny. Theo is a doll. I’m so happy you are having so much fun with him. I am going to have to go check out that chair at the mall. I walked today and my butt muscles even hurt. The muscles for my muscles hurt. I feel your pain.
Tell Theo Lily says hello and I wish we could have Stella, Theo, and Lily all in one room for a day. How funny would that be?
“Ooh ooh, put ya hands in the air!” You’re so funny— lately, when I’ve been trying to write, it ALL sounds like that third video. Sooooo sorry about your hurty bootie. The chair is calling you– can you hear it? I wish I could just live in one. Theo says to tell Lily, “hola.” It’s part of his Spanish instruction. It would be great to get those three together– and their owners!
Little Miss said,
June 8, 2008 at 10:36 pm
PS – Meant to say, I’d heard of Asheville, NC. You know I’ve had this obsession about North Carolina – mostly with the ocean part of it. But if you move there, and I move to the ocean, we’d be practically neighbors!
For some reason, I thought your obsession was with South Carolina. The ocean part is definitely the better part, but I have a friend who lived on the beach in Wilmington, and from what I gather, those storms can be scary! I lived in Raleigh for a short time, long ago, and NC really has some great areas. I hope you do end up there– I’d drive down from the mountains to visit you at the beach!
Peter Parkour said,
June 9, 2008 at 2:03 am
She was gone for a while, now back again
This time with a four legged friend
His name is Theo, he has skillz ya see
His number one trick is makin’ poop-pourri
Moonbeam’s a hard worker / part time whiner
Contemplating relocation to Asheville, North Caroline’r
Will it ever happen, does she really care?
Her main fantasy involves a massaging chair
Hey look, it’s Theo, back for verse two
Does he see dead people, I don’t have a clue
Perhaps he’s cross eyed, cuz he has ta poo
Low and behold, Theo was holding out…
He begins to move his snout, fresh rhymes are coming out
My name is Theo, No not Chico
I’m in search of two poodles, so I can have a three’o
That’s right, a lover, no not a fighter
but you mess with McQueen, I can be a biter
Yeah this rap stinks, does anyone have a lighter
Please get my gal that chair so I can chill beside her
Mastah P, you’re the shnizz! That was some excellent freestyling. Theo and I are contacting you for all of our rapping needs. When I read this, I laughed almost as hard as I did when I heard “Chacarron.” I’m printing this out and hanging it by my desk, with all of my other blog treasures. I think you’ll go platinum.
CuriousC said,
June 9, 2008 at 7:02 am
Awesome RHYMIN’ Peter! wow. Now, I forgot what I was going to write!
Great to be reading your words MBMcQ. Love Theo, have yet to watch the videos but I’ll be back to do that soon, and golly the now 16 weeks issues really has me bummed, too. I’ve not been to Asheville NC but it sounds LOVELY. It’s on my list of places to visit someday.
(((C))) If you watch the first and third videos, you’ll appreciate Peter Parkour’s rap even more! I hope to be visiting that blog of yours soon, and catching up on your life and your photos. I still don’t have the brain power/ energy to do much beside the occasional post. Soonish though. Seven or eight more weeks. Sigh….
kimiam said,
June 9, 2008 at 7:33 am
Your pup is adorable. Hang in there with the work thing. I live in North Carolina. Ashville is beautiful. Tons of artists live there.
Miss you moonbeam!!
Miss you too, (((kim))). I knew you lived in NC, just didn’t know where. I remember your beach pictures though. I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re creating more fantastic sculptures. They really say a lot to me. I’ll be visiting your blog after this work thing ends, sooner if I get a sudden spurt of energy that’s not already earmarked for something else.
randomyriad said,
June 9, 2008 at 10:19 am
Thomas Wolf grew up in Asheville. That’s about all I know about it. Those videos are in order: perfect commentary on ego inflation, good advice, and truly weird. All are hilarious. Your pooper is very cute. He looks like trouble in a small package. Good Luck with the job thing. I know how work can be blessing and a curse. The whole time and sanity vs money and security thing.
I think F. Scott Fitzgerald lived there too. The more I study Asheville, the more I realize that it may be a little too “cool” for me (not temperature-wise), which ultimately seems a little uncool. I think that I may be more interested in one of the nearby surrounding areas, then driving into Asheville to get my cultcha fix. We’ll see.
All the photos I take of the pooper end up being blurred, this one included. He has a hard time sitting still. I think your assessment of him may be right, but he’s awfully sweet.
The time vs. sanity vs. money vs. security thing drives me nuts. Who’s big idea was that, anyway?
Hope you’re doing well. Is school out for you in the summer?
kirbyann said,
June 9, 2008 at 10:23 am
I love the name Theo… well done. Please scratch him behind the ears for me.
Also, Asheville NC is amazingly beautiful. Mountain scape’s and hippy towns all around. One of the universities up there (Warren Wilson) is literally a farm. Best part, it’s two hours from where I currently live and I am sure the mall has a brookstone so you can continue to test the chair
Love
Consider him scratched! I named him Theo after Vincent van Gogh’s brother– the epitome of loyalty. He’s got a sensitive nature, and I’m hoping that after I die, he’ll sell some of my paintings for me.
I love hearing about all of the beauty, and of the hippie towns surrounding Asheville. It sounds quite colorful, and I can’t wait to visit it! If I move there, you, kimiam and I can go get coffee and hit the Brookstone store!
Miss you and your blog.
Little Miss said,
June 9, 2008 at 11:13 am
Wow, Peter has some awesome funny-ass rhyming skills.
He’s not your everyday, average, normal guy!
Kendall said,
June 9, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I’m from Hendersonville, NC, which is 21 miles from Asheville, so ask me anything you want to know about it! I love it up there. The only reason I didn’t retire there is that they have shit for public transportation, and I’m dreaming of getting rid of my car, so Portland was better. But it’s a great town: four beautiful seasons, beautiful clean mountain air so sweet you can almost drink it, more “diversity” than most mountain towns, and all kinds of interesting people. It’s one of the vortices, like Sedona, AZ. It draws cool people. And the mountain laurel smells so sweet. Very good idea.
(((Kendall))), I didn’t know you hailed from NC! Your description is beautiful. A recommendation from you means a lot, and I may have questions for you. The weather sounds fantastic, and I’ve heard that you can actually see stars! I really miss mountains and stars (I also miss reading your blog. I’ll be back soon– I want to see what other brilliant thoughts you’ve had lately).
Melody said,
June 9, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Hi there. I initially found you when I was looking for a particular picture of Janis Joplin showing her wrist tat, for a small documentary film co I work for. I ended up on your mailing list and keep finding you in my SPAM box, trying to decide if I should continue to stay on the ‘list’, when I don’t really ‘do’ this type of thing. But something about you is charming, your writing reminds me a bit of me, if I dared to try. And you keep hitting some topics that make me want to respond. I once wanted to refer the area of Russian River, due to inexpensive homes, kind of hippy, alternative community. Occasionally floods, but a lot of homes are on stilt type foundations. If you can deal with all that, the plus is that you are near the wine country, San Francisco (where I live) etc. Can’t remember your question to that answer. ANYWAY, today, you mention Asheville NC. I was raised there. It used to be a bit of a redneck city but that was long ago. My family is still there in a nearby town called Hendersonville. (which I refer to as Hooterville USA) Anyhow, I wish I would have been smart and purchased property there way back then. There were plenty of homes under 99,999 in the homes section, up to a few years ago, you could still find some around 50G. Now things are different. All them “fer’ners” moved in and ran all the rednecks away. That was my dumb joke. I was back home for a couple of years, up to 6 months ago, dealing with my Mom’s cancer (SHE IS FINE NOW) and while there, ended up working on a low budget film in downtown Asheville. Now I had several dozen boyfriends throughout my wild ass party days, but dang, if there wasn’t no sight of them. I kept hoping I would run into just one old flame. BUT NO! So that’s when I figured they were run out …BUT to your question…it is a pretty little town, but folks are finding out about it. Check out the Vanderbilt Mansion, The Biltmore House for one of our big tourist sites. There are many neighboring areas that have grown up around Asheville and are very nice as well. You are relatively close to some bigger cities, such as Charlotte and Atlanta. I used to drive to Nashville all the time, where I ultimately moved. I am writing this on the fly (at work!!!) but please email me directly and I’d love to answer your questions in more depth, when I have more time!!!!
Melody– what fantastic comments (and compliments)! I remember when you wrote inquiring about the Janis photo, and I’m really glad you visit my blog. The question you answered probably had something to do with my ongoing quest to find the ideal place to live. Although Russian River sounds and looks amazing (I browsed some websites after reading your comments), California is about as far from my friends and family (including my kids) as I could get without leaving the continental US. Oh, and I’m terrified of flying, but living in wine country would probably take care of that!
Your Hendersonville reminiscenses sound so wonderful. I guess Asheville is going the way of Seattle and Portland and even the Arkansas town that I lived in for many years. Once the cat’s out of the bag, and Forbes puts it on their “Best Places to Live” list, the “fer’ners” come in and dang near rurn it. It’s almost like when you find a comedian that you love, or a funny sitcom– suddenly, when everyone discovers greatness, the charm becomes kind of self-conscious and things change. But I know what you mean about the fer’ners running off those rednecks, and I am going to check out some of those smaller surrounding areas. My sister lives near Nashville, so that’s a plus.
I’m so glad your mother’s fine. If these comments are any indication of your writing skills, maybe you should consider the blog thing. I didn’t think I’d be into either, but it’s a great outlet and you “meet” some absolutely wonderful people.
I’m sure I’ll be e-mailing you some questions, when our trip to NC gets nearer. I think my response to your comment was longer than my original post!
birdpress said,
June 9, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Wow, nice rhymes, Mr. Parkour!
Sorry to hear the bad news about the job and the pain and all.
Little Theo looks to be evolving his Jack Russell side. He sure is a cutie patootie! I love the one floppy ear in that pic. Does it stay like that all the time? I bet that little pup makes a big difference in your life now!
Those videos were hilarious! I bookmarked the first one for my boyfriend. He makes music too and always has funny and/or sarcastic lyrics and I’m sure he will love that.
If Mr P / Mr Green decides on a career-change, I think he’s proven where his strength lies– writing rap songs for small puppies. Have you considered posting some of your boyfriend’s lyrics on your blog?
Theo can’t decide whether to be a Chihuahua or a Jack Russell, which is why I think one ear stays up and one stays down. They’re kind of going all over the place right now. He has the sweetest temperament, which makes up for the fact that he’ll probably be somewhat homely when he grows up.
Puppy question for you: He has a gash above one of his eyes, I assume from some accident at his previous owner’s. I’ve put Neosporin on it so that it doesn’t get infected and that worked, but do you think it will ever heal? There’s no fur there, and he sort of looks like he has a Groucho Marx eyebrow. Just thought you might be able to shed some light. Of course, if it doesn’t heal, it’ll help him keep the tough thug look so valued in this neighborhood. I actually met a dog named “Felony” the other day.
kaylee2 said,
June 9, 2008 at 6:20 pm
AWWWWW I feel for you
I just want you back 
kaylee2 said,
June 9, 2008 at 6:26 pm
sent you an email too
And I sent one back! I think this will be a great way for us to stay caught up until things are back to normal.
birdpress said,
June 9, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I wouldn’t worry about the gash as long as it is healing well. If there is scar tissue there the hair probably won’t grow back. Just consider it an identification mark if he ever gets lost.
It seems to be healing fine. Thanks, birdpress!
David said,
June 9, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Fo shizzle Parkour! Lotsa great commentary. You have some awesome fans Moonie!
It’s great to read you again and now that you have Theo to help you 16 weeks will just fly by, hopefully sans tornadoes, floods and hailstorms. So many fun things in this post and so little time to respond … Hang in there MMQ, it’s going to be a busy summer!
I hate when people say that.
I was not offended in the least by the fuckin cursing. Thanks for the vids- hilarious.
I wonder what will happen with Theo’s ears? That expression is really very haunting. Oliver often hears and starts growling at things undetected by us. It’s the stuff he sees (i.e. chipmunks and squirrels out the windows) that really sends him over the edge. Now THAT might be a good test of his Jack Russell genes. Expose him to rodents and note his behavior.
I’m hanging in, Dave. Through rain, snow, tornadoes, floods and hailstorms, corporate America must survive. Of course, it all hinges on me.
Yesterday, Theo’s ears wants to be Chihuahua; this morning, they’re Jack Russell. He may be having an identity crisis. I’ll definitely check to see if he’s a mighty rodent hunter, but right now, I have to go clean up his poops. He missed his training pad– again.
Wendy said,
June 9, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Okay, first off I am in love with the Everyday Normal Guy. That kid is adorable and hilarious. And the condom ad was just flat out wonderful…they should show that ad in this country. (I actually have a niece like that! We’re all scared of her.) These videos were fantastic, as usual you’ve found the best stuff on YouTube and saved me from having to weed through the bad stuff.
Theo is great and I heart him. His name is awesome, including his poop names. Your much more creative than me, who would simply call him Mr. Poop.
But 16 weeks sucks, I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat it. The good thing about it — and there is a good thing — is the money and all it will do. Come up with a good mantra for yourself, something like “It’s not forever…” and think of it as a really long labor, it’s hell while it’s going on but you get a fabulous baby at the end.
He is adorable. And he makes twelve dollars an hour, so he’s rich too. There are so many things I love about those lyrics!
Mr. Poop is a great name. It’s better than what I was calling as I was cleaning up little poops this morning, which was something like, “Oh No, Not Again.”
Wendy, I am SO grateful for the job– when it ends, I’ll probably be whining again about how broke we are– it’s just hard on my body. Sixteen weeks of commuting equals about 412 in Fibro weeks, but I’m doing my best to make it through. I like your mantra, and I plan to start using it.
The Vinyl Villager said,
June 9, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Hey Moon! I am just over an hour from Asheville and know a lil bit about it. Not sure what all you wanna hear, but feel free to email me and I will share what I know and point you to people who know more than me
(Short version–absolutely it is a wonderful wonderful place to live)
Hey, Vinyl Villager! I didn’t know you lived in that area. I had no idea that so many readers were from that area. That lets me know that it’s probably a fantastic place. I’m adding you to my “Asheville Investigation” e-mail list, and when I have questions, I’ll send them your way.
Hope you’re doing well– yours is another blog I’ve been missing.
gypsy-heart said,
June 10, 2008 at 10:05 am
Good morning MoonB how nice to find your words here!
So sorry to hear you are suffering.
Happy to hear that Theo (which fits him perfectly) has made your and Tom’s world a happier one! I have NO doubt he will be loyal like Van G’s brother was! He is like my little Ringo..they have been through hell and just want to be loved and to love. Don’t be surprised if he has separation anxiety…Ringo does. It is getting better…but he still goes into the velcro mode at times! Of course, it may be more of the cattle herding in him. Sometimes I think he sees me as his “herd of one.”
Can’t wait to hear all about your move exploration…how exciting, a new chapter! I wish I could help but I have always lived in Florida…may be thinking north myself in time.
Well, enough from me. Don’t feel you have to respond…save your energy. I just wanted to let you know I stopped by.
Healing energies to you!
Ps I think Melody should read all of your posts. I see a sitcom, movie, talk show, etc in the works here! It is obvious to all of us that you have a gift!!
Thanks for those healing energies, Gypsy, I need ‘em right now!
Theo just keeps getting better and better. I can’t believe how smart he is! He sort of stays in “Velcro mode,” but I don’t mind. He’s a very loving little guy.
I was born in Florida, and have a brother who lives there. I haven’t been in quite a while. I’m a Floridian who’s afraid of water and airplanes– go figure. I’m working on these things.
Big hugs to you. I’ll be by to visit when I can– miss your beautiful artwork and read your words of wisdom.
betme said,
June 10, 2008 at 11:54 am
“Pooteronomy”
“Come here Pooter.”
I was hoping you were through with your work and could sit with your feet up more often. You deserve it.
Your videos gave me my quota of laughs and should ensure that I have enough LOL moments bouncing in my head to get me thru the week.
(((BETME))) Jeez Louise, woman, I miss you! I just found out that the job ends (for me) in about 25 days. That’s seventeen working days– I can DO this!
So glad you enjoyed the videos!
(Tonight, the puppy has mostly been referred to as “Oh no! Not AGAIN!?” )
Botmo said,
June 13, 2008 at 9:02 am
He’s so cute. Did I miss something? Why Theo?
Botmo, he is just an angel doggie– I hope you eventually get to meet him in person. See comment number 7 for the name reason, but mostly, he just looks like a Theo. I had about a thousand names I was considering, but they didn’t work out, either because the name sounded stupid when I said it aloud, or Tom didn’t like it, or it just didn’t fit. Finally, I called Tom while I was driving to Columbus and said, “I think he’s a Theo.” When I got home, I tried it out on him, and sure enough- that was the one that seemed the best match.
joanharvest said,
June 13, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I’m late on making comments. I’ve been in a brain fog for about a week. Peter’s verse was slammin’.
I love your new ghost dog. I like the name Theo. I want the massage chair. I wish I had a Brookstone’s nearby so I could go and sit in chairs.
That sucks that you have to work until the end of July.
I love the videos. That first one is hilarious. I don’t want to send the second one to my daughter or she will never have kids. I’ll send it to my son though. He doesn’t need a kid right now in his life.
Miss you!!!
Miss you too (((Joan))). I know you’ve been busy, because I went over to your blog the other day and saw your birthday photos and read the post. It had me in tears. What a celebration, and what fantastic friends you have! Happy belated birthday!!!!!
kaylee2 said,
June 15, 2008 at 1:40 am
only 25 more days? Beams with excitement!!!!!!!!! I want our chat time back
karmental said,
June 15, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Don’t ya love how the dog park brings out the best in your pet? One summer I was dogsitting my sister’s German Shepherd/Husky mix and took him to our local dog park. Come to find out, he was GAY. He humped every dog he could. It was kind of embarrassing and nobody believed me when I’d tell them, “Oh, this is my sister’s dog”. Clearly he spent too much time in doggy prisons or something…
I LOVE the dog park! The dogs are running the show, and we humans are just sort of background scenery. And yes, it does seem to bring out their true personalities.
Doggy prison, or doggy gay bars!
Jan said,
June 15, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Theo is adorable !!!!!!!!
Blessings,
Jan
Thanks Jan. I just visited your site and I’m sending you huge (((hugs))).
CuriousC said,
June 16, 2008 at 6:27 am
My bad, I came back to see the videos! too late, unfortunately the third has been taken away – now don’t fret about – if you feel you must attend to this, do it when you can, I know you’ve got better priorities. LOVED the first guy – shouldn’t we try to set him up with Romi!? nah, maybe not. and of course the 2nd made my howl with laughter! poor guy.
give a cuddle to Theo for me! – C
OOOh! Romi and that cutie guy! That would be a great match! I’m holding out for her to get together with betme’s son though.
Wow– the third one was taken down? I’d tell you where to find it on YouTube, but I’m sulking over this for a while, so I don’t want to give the guy more publicity just yet. I’ll email the link to you.
romi41 said,
June 17, 2008 at 8:56 pm
I hope you’re feeling better these days and your dog is so frickin’ adorable!!!
*hugs*
PS: “Poopin’ Fresh” sounds like the name of a rapper…or it should be one
Thanks, (((Romi))). He’s a cutie! If he were a rapper, he’d be “Poop Daddy.”
romi41 said,
June 17, 2008 at 8:56 pm
PS: the matchmaking between Betme’s son and myself is getting intense, let’s keep our fingers crossed
Woohoo! You could one day be Romi Betme! Can’t wait to read the progress on this developing story!
Sometimes Saintly Nick said,
June 18, 2008 at 8:10 am
Theo the WonderPup is wonderful! (So are the vids)
Thanks, Nick! He’s exceeded all of my puppy dreams!
kaylee said,
June 18, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Just came by to say hi
Hi Miss Kaylee! Thinking about you and hope you are doing really well!
trishatruly said,
June 18, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Holy shit! My oldest daughter got that massage chair for Christmas! I had no idea they cost that much! Her hubby musta been wanting some major Brownie points!OWNED!!!
Theo is adorable, McQ. “Poop Pooperton” is a great name!
Sorry you feel so crappy. Hope that gets better soon.
Keeping this short since I’m so late coming in on the post plus you got great comments above so you don’t need mine. Just wanted you to know I am still reading and loving ya!
(((trisha))) you have one lucky daughter! If Tom bought me one, I’d be his love slave, chauffeur, masseuse and personal chef for life. After I got out of the chair, of course.
The crappy feeling is slowing getting under control. I’m taking all sorts of vitamins and supplements, and I think it’s helping. Theo the WonderPup® helps too– I’m checking to see if there are massage schools for dogs around here, since I can’t afford the chair. Maybe he’ll get a scholarship!