GOFYA
I’m having blog withdrawals. I’m reading all of your sweet and hilarious comments, and I appreciate them so much. Currently, I’m feeling better, but still really crummy and low on energy. I’m going to take it easy for a couple of more days. In the meantime, I miss writing here so much that I’m posting an essay that I recently wrote about one of my business philosophies, just to fill in the blank spot on my blog. Not the best, but I wrote it within the confines of a magazine’s submissions guidelines. It got rejected. See how rude I am? I’m giving you hand-me-downs. No pictures either (wow– is this going to be a fun read!)– sorry.
As the bumper stickers say, “Mean People Suck.” I find this especially true in the workplace. Almost anywhere else, you can walk away from meanies, but when you have co-workers who’ve never managed to move past the “kids can be cruel” stage of high school, it can make life rather difficult for the rest of the gang.
I’m not talking about the usual office curmudgeons here. I’m referring to the one or two persons who, day after day, make their colleagues miserable by being negative and disagreeable, no matter how many kindnesses are bestowed upon them. These people usually have a calendar of inspirational quotes on the wall and framed pictures of their unhappy-looking families on their desks. Like radar, they often locate, then team up with an equally venomous partner in crime with whom they complain and share gossip. Somehow, these folks manage to be fun and cheery whenever the boss walks by, then quickly return to their true, evil personalities before management’s rounded the corner.
I’ve never understood this type of behavior. In my opinion, it’s easier and mentally healthier to try to get along with people I work closely with. Maybe it’s a southern thing. Maybe it’s the way my mother raised me. Or perhaps it’s a math thing.
Let’s do some calculating.
There are twenty-four hours in a day, right? Of those twenty-four hours, you’re hopefully spending about eight of them sleeping. That leaves you sixteen conscious hours. If you have a full-time job, nine of those hours are spent at work. Let’s add three hours for getting dressed, cramming a granola bar into your mouth, and commuting to and from the workplace. My math skills aren’t that great, but I think that means that we spend about twelve of our sixteen waking hours devoted to work each day.
Why would anyone want those hours to be unpleasant ones? The rat race can be crummy enough. We scurry dutifully to our jobs each morning, slugging down coffee and fighting rush hour traffic, only to be confined to a chair on wheels in a 4 X 4 cubicle for most of the day. With their snarky, backbiting ways, office meanies can make nine hours seem like eighteen, if you have to deal with them regularly.
I‘ve been very fortunate to work alongside some wonderful people– men and women who inspire not only with their knowledge and work ethic, but with their geniality toward those around them. Sure, we all have bad days, but typically, my co-workers have had a “we’re all in this together” mentality, and tend to take their frustrations out in creative ways—hanging up on rude clients, firing off angry e-mails or throwing things against the wall. It’s well-placed anger. Everyone vents, but we treat each other well.
Occasionally though, we all encounter someone with “issues.” Someone who had a rough childhood, and unfortunately you just happen to resemble their Aunt Agnes, the alcoholic relative who beat them with a wooden spoon. You try your hardest to befriend them, or at least establish a good working relationship, but they won’t have any part of it. Almost daily, your smiles and cheery words are met with scowls. You can see the person mentally wadding up your goodwill and tossing into the wastebasket like an old office memo.
This used to cause me a great deal of heartache. I’d take it personally, and would rack my brain for ways to remedy the situation. How could I get along with this person? How could I make things better? Finally, it dawned on me that people who behave this way usually direct it toward most of the population, and not just me. I realized that I couldn’t do anything to change their behavior, only the way I reacted to it.
Finally, I came to my senses and developed a three-part plan for dealing with potential workplace villains, a plan that has made my life and the lives of those with whom I’ve shared it happier and more serene. Here’s how it works:
Step 1: To begin with, always give others the benefit of the doubt. In my experience, most people are nice, even if the niceness is buried a bit beneath the surface.
Whenever you meet a new office associate, be pleasant and kind. If the person you’re dealing with isn’t receptive to your overtures, don’t sweat it. Perhaps they’re just having a bad day. Maybe their piranha died that morning. But if the unpleasant behavior continues, proceed to step 2.
Step 2: Make a few more attempts to break the ice over the coming weeks. Nothing pushy, just civil. If it’s someone you don’t have to work closely with, you can keep them at arm’s length for the rest of your working relationship, but if you have to interact with them regularly, you’ll have to make a little effort.
Okay. Weeks have passed, and now you’re starting to feel foolish. You’ve bent over backwards to engage this person in conversation, and have treated them with consideration and respect. You’ve been polite, lent them your stapler and told them the secret shortcut to the break room. Yet, still they roll their eyes when you say, “good morning.” They’re mean to that little old woman with the sinus problems in cubicle 6-B. And they never returned your stapler. It’s now time to move on to step three.
Step 3: This step is what I call “GOFYA,” a term that I’ve coined and am thinking of copyrighting. What is GOFYA? Hmmm… how do I put this delicately? A GOFYA (pronounced “go-fee-uh”) stands for a “Good Ol’ Fuck You Attitude.” If you can’t bring yourself to use the f-word, you can substitute “screw,” in which case it would be “GOSYA.” Personally, I prefer the former, as it has a little more “oomph.”
Please note that adapting a GOFYA into your work routine is not meanness, and should not be confused with being nasty or hateful. It’s simply self-preservation peppered with a healthy dose of detachment. It’s admitting that you’ve done all you could to get along with this person, but obviously he or she is one of those rare jewels who actually enjoys being awful. Developing a Good Ol’ Fuck You Attitude is that point when you simply say to yourself, “Oh well, screw it. I’m done.” By disengaging inwardly, you’ve made a decision that getting along with this person is simply no longer on your top-ten list of important things to do. You can still smile and make pleasantries, but you’ve distanced yourself, and have ceased making an investment in their well-being. Once you incorporate a GOFYA into your work life, it’s a wonderful, freeing feeling.
The most amazing part of a GOFYA is this: When you stop making the effort, that person whom you’ve been trying to coax into being a kinder, gentler officemate will usually make a dramatic turnaround. It seems that once you lose interest in the game, they suddenly want to play. Maybe office meanies are more capable of responding to those who are a bit less friendly, a little more distant. You’ll find that oftentimes, this person will start acting a lot nicer, and might actually strike up conversation with you.
They may even return your stapler.
Little Miss said,
March 6, 2008 at 10:29 pm
The magazine’s loss, our gain.
I used that GOFYA (although I didn’t know what it meant) on a certain writer with whom I had the misfortune to work. She hated me editing her work. She thought she was above editing. Someone had made the horrible mistake of telling her she was good, and my former boss made the mistake of promoting her to a senior position, I think mostly to placate her and avoid her wrath. She thought she was a creative writer when she was assigned technical writing, and therefore would write the same procedure five different ways. I used to hold back on my editing of her work, doing only the minimal amount, until one day our VP said he wanted me to edit it like it was my own work, or if she wasn’t the author. I let loose. She was pissed. She must have considered it a personal attack even when I worked hard to cite my sources and justify my changes. She refused to ever touch that document again and said it was mine now. She left shortly thereafter and we all shouted a silent hurrah, the witch was dead.
Heehee. For some reason, that makes me laugh. To me, the weird thing about people like that is that they tend to be clueless about their flaws, and amazingly, their own belief in their flawlessness helps them rise through the ranks. They seem to have at least nine lives. I have a weird admiration for this, but pity for those who have to deal with it.
thegirlfromtheghetto said,
March 6, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Oh, how I have to deal with evil souls at work. I can back you up that GOFYA works – but my husband has a term similar to your GOFYA – he calls it MotherFu–ing. And I love to do nothing better than that. Every time I shun the evil in my office THEY HATE IT!!! And they come crawling back with weak small talk, but it works. On a side note I FINALLY HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW, SO WISH ME LUCK!!!!
Ghetto girl, I think your hubby is just quoting the Urban Dictionary version of GOFYA. OH MY GOSH— good luck with the interview!!! Please, please let me know how it goes. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you!!!
Adam said,
March 6, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Thanks for the fix!
These people usually have a calendar of inspirational quotes on the wall and framed pictures of their unhappy-looking families on their desks. This is hilarious!
I can think of several such co-workers instantly. I started ignoring them long ago.
…dead piranha… Ha!
No problem, Adam! I got my fix of your blog today. I still feel rotten, but I’m trying to catch up a little.
randomyriad said,
March 7, 2008 at 12:15 am
These are usually people who can’t stand themselves and think you are fool for trying to be nice to their pathetic undeserving selves. It is a bottomless pit of ingratitude. Detached compassion is the only course. You just can’t have a good relationship with someone who has given up on themselves. I pity the unhappy framed family. Love the GOFYA!.
RM, I think you’re on to something with the self-loathing angle. I’ve been reading your self-experiments on your blog, and I think they tie in nicely.
Maxine said,
March 7, 2008 at 4:41 am
When did you put a hidden camera in my office???? Are you sneaking in at 3:29 a.m. in the morning before I get there to peruse the pictures of Saint Gradon (unhappy in each), to hide in a closet and listen to me rail in the darkness about how much working for a living sucks?
Are you watching on a webcam when I commisserate with the other miserable soul in the office?
I’m going to have to have my office swept!
I get your point, deary, but sometimes, some of us have issues (boss is an ass, slept 4 hours in the past 5 days to get a project done so he can take all the credit, co-worker took too much klonopin and drinks tequila at her desk instead of working, etc.) that prevent us from being happy in the workplace.
I, for instance, am happiest at home and, lately, anywhere but work. But damn, if you didn’t describe the way I must appear to everyone around me – a 35-year-old, type “A” curmudgeon.
Get out of my head, woman!
Kisses,
Maxine
Yes Maxine, I did put a hidden camera in your office, and you stop that right now!
You are so right about this. GOFYA isn’t a blanket solution for all situations. If you’re working in a small office with a few lunatics, it’s hard to keep a good attitude, or to be friendly to someone who might be bright and cheery, but only because she’s drunk off her ass most of the day and is forcing you to take up the slack. There’s a difference between being a curmudgeon and just being evil. In reading your posts about your workplace, it sounds like being a curmudgeon is just self-preservation.
Abbe said,
March 7, 2008 at 7:12 am
You know it’s really funny, and kind of strange, that you should bring this up now. As a “budding” Quaker, I am learning to try to find “that of God” in everyone. Last week, I asked a wise Quaker (F)friend what do you when you can’t find “that of God” in someone, no matter how hard you try. Now I know the answer…adopt a GOFYA attitude. Next time I have question, I’m coming directly to you!
thanks
I hope you pain is decreasing and you are feeling better!
Abbe
Abbe, I’ve read Quaker Dave’s posts about finding God in everyone. I think it’s really something wonderful to try for. Maybe you should rename GOFYA “detaching with love.”
I’m afraid that although I can really find good in most people, I’d need special coke bottle lenses in my God glasses to see Him in everyone. I have a (non-Quaker) friend who actually does see the goodness in EVERYONE (I mean everyone– pervs, politicians, mass murderers, etc.). It’s amazing, but it drives me nuts! She’s so….so…calm and peaceful.
Thanks. I am feeling a lot better. Still weak, but better.
brightfeather said,
March 7, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I’m recovering from the enjoyment of a visit from a friend. I loved every minute of it but now I’m paying for the energy level I sustained during the visit with all knids of fibromylagia symptoms =at their flaring height. And, I’m experiencing difficult people of the same ilk that you describe above.
GOFYA is brilliant! I know have a name (acronymn) for the practice I established 5 years ago. The only one I’ve found that keeps me sane and balanced.
(((Brightfeather))) I feel for you. I’m having a bad flare that’s lasted way too long. I’m glad you got to enjoy your friend’s visit though. I’ll have to pop over to your blog and see if I can read about it (I get very frustrated because your blog doesn’t show up on my feed).
GOFYA keeps me sane too. It’s not at all mean, though it may sound like it. In fact, there’s no meanness in it at all, which is part of why I like it. I can’t deal with the tooth grinding, heart-hurting anger that this type of behavior used to cause me.
Lucky said,
March 7, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I am SO doing this. The meanie in my office is the Boss and she LOVES to be mean. I compliment her outfit, hair, crack jokes to lighten the mood and nothing. She loves to be a bitch. GOFYA is my new mantra. THANK YOU!
Stop the flashbacks!!!! What is the deal with this kind of behavior? I’m glad you have a new mantra though.
David said,
March 7, 2008 at 9:25 pm
GOFYA would have served me well had I known of it a year ago. I had to develop it independently with found ingredients, like vodka, cigarette butts, salt, sand, and other medicines.
This is kinda freaky moonie. The topic of this post of yours is quite like my current topic, the crapstack flyby. The commentary is great too! If you can find nothing with which to resonate in the random companions of your workaday world then GOFYA is perfect.
I hope you feel better soon.
David, if I didn’t use GOFYA, I’d use your method. Or crack. I loved your crapstack flyby post. That’s been on my mind so much lately. I just called it “sensory overload,” but I’m now using your term.
I wanted to thank you too for reminding me about Boards of Canada (I was feeling too ooky to comment, but I was reading). I’m listening to them right now. Great writing music.
kaylee2 said,
March 7, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I agree with you all that LOL! hope you are better soon
(((kaylee))) I am so happy to see you wandering around the blog world. You take good care of yourself– you’re in my thoughts daily.
Wendy said,
March 8, 2008 at 12:15 am
Sorry, my brain still can’t deliver anything better than “another insightful right-on post .” But it is.
Jeez, I hope we all feel better soon. This sick thing is getting real old for me. I’m sick of being sick.
It has taken forever to get back to “normal” (whatever that is) after my first bout with this illness. I wish it would quit clinging to you and me both. I’m finding it quite depressing, and it sucks as far as being able to write. I hope you feel better really soon.
Sometimes Saintly Nick said,
March 8, 2008 at 8:35 am
Being ill just ain’t no fun! Rest and heal!
As for GOFYA, there is a scene in the movie “The Big Fisherman” that does something like this:
The disciple Peter (a big, manly dude) is standing on the steps of the temple. Three Pharisees are taunting him. One slaps him on the right cheek. Peter doubles up his fist and is about to retaliate when the Pharisee says, “Remember, your Rabbi Jesus says to ‘turn the other cheek.” Then he hits Peter on his left cheek.
This time Peter just stands there. Then the Pharisee hits Peter on his right cheek again. Peter picks up the Pharisee and throws him into the other two and all three roll down the steps.
Peter stands over them and says, “He said to ‘turn the other cheek’ once. He didn’t say what to do about the third time.”
Hi Nick! I hope your health is holding up well these days. I love the scene you described. Perfect! If GOFYA fails to work in the future, I might just throw a Pharisee or two.
Netty Gritty said,
March 8, 2008 at 1:07 pm
hello hello hello!
what a wonderful read. i never understand these meanies. they are everywhere. i wonder what their story really is. for me, they are really a pain in the ass, cos i love being friendly with everyone without losing my self-esteem. i think i will go for gofya, but i need a really good manual to learn that. so how about posting the manual in your next piece?
also, i don’t wanna sound spammy, but i want you to visit my latest post. it’s got oodles of donation clicks – you can make the world a better place just by clicking these sites. i know you like things like that. so…
(((NETTY!!!!))) I’ll start working on that manual! No I won’t. But maybe some Cliff’s Notes.
You don’t sound “spammy” at all. I do love those sites. I’ll be over to visit in a bit. Of course, you’re going to have to help me put them on my sidebar.
leakyfaucet said,
March 8, 2008 at 3:51 pm
So there IS a name for this! I came across the level of nirvana-in-the-workplace that is GOFYA at my last job… and ghetto girl is right, when you apply the GOFYA to you workplace you will almost immediately notice the meanies begging for your attention, sometimes even being nice! I noticed a total turnaround at my last job when I decided to weild a GOFYA and by the time I left it seemed like everyone was getting in line to kiss my butt!
I hope you feel better soon!
Hey LF! Can you link your name to your site? There’s a way to do it in WordPress, and it allows others to click on your name in the comments and get to your site. I keep meaning to tell you that, because your site is definitely worth visiting.
I’ll never understand how that works– how people start being nicer once you start “wielding that GOFYA,” but it does happen. Maybe we should just cut to the chase and start with GOFYA, instead of bothering with steps one and two. Nahhhh…benefit of the doubt, and all that.
kimiam said,
March 8, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I totally didn’t know how to use the GOFYA technique before. I’m glad you went over it here for me!
You’re awesome, Moonbeam.
I’m glad to have helped, kimiam. Thanks!
David said,
March 8, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Don’t forget to set your clocks back tonight!
Thank you–I had no idea (it’s this cave I live in)! Of course, with the blizzard we’re having here, it doesn’t matter what time it is– nobody’s going anywhere for awhile.
gypsy-heart said,
March 8, 2008 at 8:21 pm
As I always say about “submissions” ..it’s all subjective! What the hell do they know anyway..this is a good essay!
I liked your GOYFA term. I have one I created FYF about passing age 50. For my children and conservative family/friends it means the:
“Finding Yourself Fifties”
for all the others it is the
“Fuck YOU Fifties”
Of course, the meaning I apply depends on what mood I am in at the moment.
You know I am a paradox!!
I am glad you are feeling better..take care of yourself.
Good healing energies to you!!
Thanks, Gypsy. I’ve now adapted a GOFYA with the editor at that magazine
I like your acronym for turning fifty. I think when I hit fifty, my motto will be something catchy, like: “OH SHIT! I’m turning fifty!” But then I’ll adjust. No way in the world do you look fifty, by the way.
Thank you for the good energy. I need it in a huge way right now.