Ollie and Asia: A Love Story
Last Wednesday, I had another visit from Ollie, my round, red-headed neighborhood friend. I invited him in for cake and conversation, though the visit didn’t last long, mostly due to the fact that I soon realized that he stunk to high heaven.
He was filthy and neglected-looking, but beneath the dirt was the adorable kid that I’ve grown to love. I’m not going to tell you all of the details of our conversation, because it’s rather depressing, but a lot of it indicated that his parents are not in great shape these days. He looked sad when he talked about his father who, he told me, had just sold Ollie’s beloved dog for the princely sum of one dollar.
Ollie stated emphatically that when he has kids, he will never do such things. He’s going to be a nice parent. He has decided upon a career as a garbage man, because they make “weally good money.” He’s going to let his children ride with him in his truck sometime, and they can help him pick stuff up. In his estimation, this will beat leaving them home with a sitter any day.
I was delighted to learn that there is a future Mrs. Ollie all lined up. He had a difficult time recalling her name. Tilting his head back and squeezing his eyes shut, he finally remembered that it’s Asia, and “she’s kind of pwetty.” She is his second-grade love, and as he spoke about her, I knew that this was no fleeting grade school romance, but the real deal. Theirs is the stuff of Harlequin romances and Merchant Ivory films. As he crammed crumbly white easter cake into his mouth, he told me this romantic
tidbit about their common bond.
“I can’t eat wice (translation: rice),” Ollie informed me. “When I do, it gives me….ummmm…” he pointed to his butt, searching for the word. “Oh yeah. Diawwhea. Asia can’t eat wice either. When she smells it, she pukes.”
He let out a long, lovelorn sigh. “That’s kind of how we got together.”
I hope that those of you who are searching for your One True Love will remember this beautiful story. Your special someone is out there, waiting, and he or she may just be puking over a big bowl of rice.
For Wendy: The KnitKnot Tree
Yesterday, Tom and I headed to sunny Yellow Springs for a change of scenery, and it was lovely. Y.S. is a colorful little college town about twenty miles from our house, and we visit there from time to time. In winter, we often go there to Christmas shop, and in the spring and summer, it’s one of our favorite places from which to launch our bikes. Even the public restrooms at the bike depot are filled with art. Antioch University is located in Yellow Springs, and I heard somewhere that Dave Chappelle is the honorary mayor of the town. He has a farm just outside the city limits called the “Fuck You Hollywood Farm.”
Everyone must have had spring fever yesterday, because the streets were filled with life– people playing music, skateboarding, shopping and sightseeing. As we were walking, we came upon an amazing sight, and I took some pictures for Wendy. I promised her something cheery, so here it is:
Apparently, some of the knitizens of Yellow Springs must have decided that this tree looked cold, because it seems that they’ve knitted it a sweater.
Wendy is a knitting wiz, and I thought she’d appreciate their efforts.
(The layout on this is crazy– sorry.)
Anyway, back to the tree. The pictures don’t quite capture it. There are “things” all over it– leaves, beads, butterflies, flowers, pockets and a sock. It’s a nice old tree, with lots of arms and therefore, lots of sleeves.
After a rough week in the hood, this really did wonders for my mood.
I wish you could see it live and in person. It’s so bright and colorful and whimsical. It definitely attracted a lot of attention, and I think that even the grouchiest passerby couldn’t help but smile a little at the surrealism of it. I kept hearing people who walked by commenting with variations of, “I love that tree!”
There was even a poem attached:
It’s a really nice tree.
There are more photos and information about the KnitKnot tree at JafaGirlArt.
All You Need is Love (Maxine, and a Good Martini)
Why oh why can’t the world be a simpler place? Why do so many people seem to have such a difficult time just being kind to one another? It seems to me that we human beings have a tendency to endlessly, needlessly complicate things. If you think about it, all you really need is love, a flattering haircut and an occasional martini (very dry and dirty, with three olives, preferably served by an extraordinarily good-looking waiter). I think that’s all in the Bible somewhere. Or on a Beatles album.
As I was pondering great words of wisdom passed down through the ages, I remembered this song from the seventies. It held great meaning for me when I was a teenager, and as I reflected on the lyrics this morning, I realized how timeless it truly is. This is wonderful advice for everyone, and I believe the world would be much improved if we incorporated at least some of it into our daily lives.
The Grandmother Song
Be courteous, kind and forgiving,
Be gentle and peaceful each day,
Be warm and human and grateful,
And have a good thing to say.
Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike,
Be witty and happy and wise,
Be honest and love all your neighbors,
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.
Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus,
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent,
Criticize things you don’t know about,
Be oblong and have your knees removed.
Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.
–Steve Martin, when he was funny.
If you’d like to hear the tune that accompanies these gorgeous lyrics , here you go:
Speaking of great advice, I received a belated Guest List from my wonderful friend Maxine, who was under the weather during Guest Post week. I hope you enjoy it. When I think of Maxine and his blog (one of the most hilarious on the planet), the descriptions that leap to mind are “politically correct” and “non-controversial.”
Oh wait– that’s someone else.
MAXINE’S TOP 10 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DROP DEAD
10. Call a member of the Junior League the “c” word to her face, then giggle innocently.
9. Invite several people to a dinner party and serve nothing but Stove Top Stuffing and white bread. Act as if this is perfectly normal.
8. Search flea markets high and low for a pink or avocado green toilet; buy said toilet; buy $50 of ugly plastic flowers at the Wal-Marts; in the dark of the night, place said toilet and plastic flowers in the middle of your best friend’s front yard as a planter. If time permits, set it in concrete, so no one steals it.
7. Buy a bottle of Nyquil; empty said bottle of NyQuil; refill said bottle of NyQuil with vodka and green food coloring and place in your purse. At your next social gathering, pull out the NyQuil and fill a champagne glass with the vodka and continue to sip, as if this, too is perfectly normal.
6. Randomly, throughout conversations with other people, break eye contact, look up at the sky and say, “Yes, Jesus, it shall be done,” then reconnect with their eyes as if nothing happened. Add a small twitch for special
effect.
5. Tell your child’s teacher to be extra-kind to him/her because the only reason he/she is in class is because you couldn’t find a coat hanger ___ number of years ago.
4. E-mail your city’s mayor to complain about all of the phallic symbolism in the parks department’s choice of playground equipment. Provide photos.
3. Ask telemarketers odd questions, like what color is his/her shirt? Does he/she like his/her mother? What’s his/her first memory?
2. Any time “Cops” comes on, yell as loud as you can, “Honey! Our episode of Cops is on!!!” This is especially useful in bars and restaurants.
1. Write your partner a love letter. Be sure to address it to someone else.
Dearest Maxine, you’re such a incurable romantic, yet practical too. Thank you for this sage wisdom. Your gentle nature and down-to-earth advice makes my world a better place, although it scares me to think that there’s not one thing on this list that you wouldn’t do (or haven’t done already).
