Britney, Shmitney
Dear Friends and Family,
This is my Christmas letter to all of you– kind of an attempt to give you my version of all that’s been going on during the past year. I know it’s a little late, but I’ve been kind of busy.
I know you’ve all been really worried about me. I’m sorry, but believe me, I’m just fine.
You know, when I first starting becoming rich and famous, I called Michael Jackson for advice, and begged him for tricks and tips for going incognito while out in public. He asked, “Y’mean besides extensive plastic surgery?” He gave me several suggestions for disguises, but nothing ever seemed to work. Ever since the world first discovered how fabulous I am, the paparazzi has constantly been on my tail, documenting my every trip down the Hostess Ho-Ho aisle, every fall from a barstool, and every visit to the psych ward. Please understand that nothing that they say is true. I can explain it all.
The Rehab Thing: Every single drug I take is completely legal, and prescribed by my
doctors. Except for the meth. And the coke. Oh, and the ecstacy. I was so surprised when my manager suggested that I check myself in for treatment that I dropped my NyQuil bottle on the ground. But I’m nothing if not open-minded, so I went. At first, it was really wonderful– there was a spa, tanning beds and an indoor pool. But frankly, they were lacking a few amenities that I desperately needed, so I left. I came back a few times to see if they’d done any renovating, but it was always the same. I’ll tell you what though. When I hear that they’ve added mini bars, a Target and a twenty-four hour Walgreen’s, I’m checking back in!
The Head Shaving Thing: This one’s easy to explain. For a few days, I was a Nazi skinhead. I was feeling lonely and disenfranchised, but for a while I believed that I’d truly found friends who cared about me and my welfare. The president of the organization told me that the only qualification I needed was white skin, so I was like, “Wow– count me in!” ‘Cause really, underneath my fake tan I am white. But you know what? They weren’t very nice. I told them that wearing white sheets was totally unflattering to my figure, and the stupid pointy head-coverings messed up my makeup. No hair is one thing, no make up is quite another. Plus, I broke a nail trying to light a cross, and I got spray paint on my new Manolo Blahnik shoes while vandalizing a synagogue. Thank goodness for wigs and hair extensions, ’cause I wanted out of that club fast!
The Awards Show Thing: Okay, not my most flattering moment. That MoonPie and bourbon diet is total crap. And I lost my costume and had to go on stage in my underwear and boots. But let’s face it, even when I gain weight, lip sync wrong, and mess up my dance steps, I’m still hotter than at least 98% of America. Okay, okay– 32%. And, I’m definitely hotter and will always be hotter than my younger, less-talented, knocked-up publicity-whore younger sister, Laser Beam McQueen. But I digress.
The Child Custody Thing: Forget the fame. Forget the incredible wealth. Forget the throngs of men who would kill just to get close enough to me to share air space. First and foremost, I’m a mama. And there is nothing, nothing that I wouldn’t do for little whosis and whatshisname. I don’t care who my ex (or the Department of Child Welfare, or the judge) says is the better parent. Let me ask you this. Who once took whatshisface to the park and pushed him on a swing?? Who read a book– an actual book to little um…the other one. Who? I’ll tell you who. My personal assistant, that’s who. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
So the other night, I’d just sort of had it. “Come get in the closet with Mama,” I said to them tenderly, as the emergency vehicles pulled up outside. My eyes fill with tears when I remember handing them a big bag of Cheetos and a couple of beers before the EMTs strapped me to the gurney.
Anyway, I’m out of the psych ward and back at home now, so I just wanted to give you an update and let you know that everything’s perfectly fine. If any reporters start snooping around your door trying to get the lowdown, tell them this for me.
“LEAVE MOONBEAM ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Happy New Year!
MB
CuriousC said,
January 7, 2008 at 11:36 am
Brilliant. Does LaserBeam have a blog?
lethaleuphoria said,
January 7, 2008 at 1:08 pm
SO glad i found your blog. this is definitely what i needed this morning. you’re a trip and i totally love this. i wonder if you could coerce that bizarre Chris Crocker to actually make a LEAVE MOONBEAM alone sound clip for you. that would be icing on the cake. this is fantastic… i’m sure i’ll be back to read this again.
Brian said,
January 7, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Ha! You could totally write better material than most of the late-night writers.
Speaking of, there was a hilarious Britney clip on MadTV Saturday night. Here’s the link to the performance. I couldn’t find the intro section where she arrives, has a wreck, tells a woman she likes her boobies and then slaps her, and downs a bottle of Vicodin.
Brian said,
January 7, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Here’s the intro I was talking about. It’s my favorite part!
lethaleuphoria said,
January 7, 2008 at 3:04 pm
lmao Brian! that’s hilarious – so awful, but definitely hilarious.
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm
@ C: No, sorry, no blog for Laser Beam. Even if she did have one, I’d never give that little slut the satisfaction of giving out the link.
@ LE: I would SOOOOO love it if he’d make me a video! I’d even take a Chris Crocker lookalike. Oh my God, I love this idea.
@ Brian: These were hilarious!!! I’m with you, the whole scene in the lobby was the best part. Thank you!
By the way, while I was writing this, there was a tiny part of my brain that was feeling a twinge of guilt for being mean. I kept thinking, “Brian is going to kill me.”
abbydonkrafts said,
January 7, 2008 at 3:55 pm
That was an awesome letter. LOL
Brian: Thanks for those links. I haven’t seen MadTV in a long time, so I missed out. The intro part is the best of the two.
joanharvest said,
January 7, 2008 at 3:56 pm
You really mean the MoonPie and bourbon diet doesn’t work? I was counting on that when I got sick of weight watchers? I guess I’ll just have to go back to the TastyCakes and rum diet. That was working well. TastyCakes don’t need refrigeration, neither does rum and warm diet coke so I could keep them in my room and no one ever knew except when I fell on my ass.
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 7, 2008 at 5:10 pm
@ AbbyDon: I’m glad you liked it! And Brian’s links are wonderful, especially the second one.
@ Joan: The TastyCake and rum diet sounds excellent. Right now I’m on the KFC and Corona program, but if it doesn’t work, I’ll switch to yours!
Wendy said,
January 7, 2008 at 5:26 pm
I’ve been on a “popcorn mixed with Nestles morsels” diet and although it seems to work well, I don’t feel very good.
I saw the Britney thing on Mad TV Saturday night and loved it. With the DVR I was able to play it over and over again, and we never actually watched the rest of the show.
iondanu said,
January 7, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Ha! This is the equivalent of my cartoon of modern quebec woman (femme liberée) only a lot better! I laugh my derrière off! and poor Michael looked like Zara from the Planet of the Appes! I hope the lawyers of B. won’t find out about this because you’ll be famous for being sued by a celebrity…
And man! if money galore and fame doesn’t make you happy what about us, poor souls?
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 7, 2008 at 9:51 pm
@ Wendy: Your diet sounds the best of all, although I lean more toward parmesan cheese and garlic on my popcorn. My sister swears by M&Ms mixed in.
I never watch MAD TV because I never thought it was funny. Guess I’m going to have to start tuning in, because that clip is great!
@ danu: He DOES look like Zara! If Britney’s lawyers sue me, I think I’ll be standing in a long line of “sue-ees,” because everyone’s making fun of this woman right now!
Tom once asked me what I would do if I were in her shoes (I think it was after the VMA awards where she did her horrible dance routine). I answered, “I’d wake up every morning and say, ‘Wow! Thanks God!’”
David said,
January 8, 2008 at 12:16 am
Love the bottom photo Britney/Cleopatra. Flipping Theda’s face gives her a perfect simpering look. Nice job moonbeam, and wicked funny post.
LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!! PLEASE! SHE’S A HUMAN!!
raincoaster said,
January 8, 2008 at 5:09 am
Holy crap, I’m sure glad you’re out of the hospital now! But you really shouldn’t be boozing at ten in the morning…
without me.
Little Miss said,
January 8, 2008 at 6:31 am
That’s funny, MB. I just can’t figure out if Miss Spears is really mentally ill or just stupid. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for her or embarassed for her.
The new link year » Ayyyy! said,
January 8, 2008 at 9:09 am
[...] My life as Britney Spears (MoonbeamMcQueen) [...]
Alyson said,
January 8, 2008 at 1:38 pm
This is hilarious. I may have to get windshield wipers installed onto my monitor for when I read posts like this while drinking.
Wendy said,
January 8, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I can’t resist sharing with you this lead from an article on celebrity mothers in the Nov. issue of Vanity Fair:
“I’m on the phone with Lynne Spears, Britney’s mother, when my five-year-old grabs a wad of cash, waves good-bye, and disappears into the elevator. ‘See?’ says Spears as she listens to me scream at my son. ‘It’s not so easy, is it? You can’t even get your five-year-old to listen to you.’
Brian said,
January 8, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Glad you liked the vids. I haven’t watched MadTV in ages, because they just weren’t funny anymore. We caught this while flipping through the channels and about laughed ourselves silly.
And, no, I don’t think you’re being mean. It’s not like she can’t control her behavior. I believe she creates publicity for herself to keep her name in the press.
However, I would just like to say:
LEAVE MICHAEL ALONE!! HE’S A HUMAN! SORT OF!
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 8, 2008 at 4:29 pm
@ David: Thank you– I was really happy with the bald one, although it looks kind of creepy and alien-like. Wait, that’s why I like it. Every time I hear or read, “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!!” it makes me laugh out loud. I don’t know why, it just does.
@ raincoaster: I’m glad I’m out too. Sorry about the drinking thing. I can have my limo driver pick you up the next time I do this, which will be tomorrow. Can you give him directions to Canadia?
@ LM: I think it’s a little from column A, and a little from column B. Mentally ill and stupid is a dangerous combination. I sort of feel sorry for her, but I can’t help but see the humor in the trailer trash aspect of it. And I feel much sorrier for her kids. Some people really should have to get a license to breed.
@ Alyson: I’m laughing at the mental picture of tiny little windshield wipers attached to my monitor. It’s a great idea!
@ Wendy: I hated it when my kids would do stuff like that. Once, I was lounging by the pool while my cabana boy fed me grapes and fanned me with palm fronds. Before I knew it, one of my pre-school aged children had stolen the Ferrari and taken it for a spin. Lynne is right– it’s so difficult raising kids these days.
I miss Vanity Fair!
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 8, 2008 at 4:35 pm
@ Brian: Oh, please stop making me laugh so hard. I’d LOVE to see someone crying and screaming, but only sorta of convinced that Michael was human.
LEAVE MICHAEL ALONE!!!! HE’S A…A…A…HUMAN OR SOMETHIN’!!!!!!
haroldmaude said,
January 8, 2008 at 4:48 pm
You did an excellent job on this one…and you know, I wouldn’t be very surprised if that is how Ms. Spears actually thinks and rationalizes.
Anyway, it’s ashame. She seems to be on a tragic road to nowhere but darkness. Why is it so hard for some people to admit that they need help…outside of the dope and liquor? I really hope her kids don’t remember any of this, but they really are going to have a hard time…especially if daddy doesn’t turn out to teach them much of the things they truly need to be productive male members of society.
Oh well. Pass the cheetos.
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 8, 2008 at 7:09 pm
@ haroldmaude: I think I understand why this fascinates me so much. I have NEVER thought that this woman had more than a modicum of talent. She always seemed to be the invention of her handlers. It’s sort of like watching Frankenstein’s monster escape from the castle. Left to her own devices, she’s clueless and destructive, but no one is able to stop her.
Mostly, I’m worried about her influence on Dr. Phil. I hope he doesn’t start going around without wearing panties, partying until all hours of the night.
Passing you back the bag of Cheetos. Sorry for talking with my mouth full.
romi41 said,
January 9, 2008 at 12:30 am
oh my goodness those pictures creeped me out!
This was excellent, I must say, and umm…err…it explains everything moonbeam; please be sure give “whois” and “whatisname” my best..oh wait..you can’t do that now can you???
Sorry about that
gypsy-heart said,
January 9, 2008 at 12:58 am
**MB** you warned me that the mood can change here…but girl, I had no idea…you are good!
It all makes me glad that I am a hermit.. ♥
leafprobably said,
January 9, 2008 at 2:16 am
the best bit? definitely the “my personal assistant, that’s who.” It’s all pretty much gold though!
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 9, 2008 at 5:12 am
@ romi: I’m sorry the pictures creeped you out. I’ll fire my official airbrusher, ASAP.
I’ll also tell my assistant to tell my lawyer to tell my ex’s lawyer to tell my ex to tell little whosis and whatshisname that you sent your best.
@ gypsy-heart: See what I mean? I think it’s hormonal. I’m a hermit too. Maybe just a more loony one.
@ leaf: I’m so glad you liked it!
raincoaster said,
January 9, 2008 at 5:31 am
Hopefully you enjoyed an Ayyyyalanche.
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 9, 2008 at 8:38 am
Yes I did Rain, and I can’t thank you enough!!!! I wasn’t sure of the etiquette on this one– I saw the link, saw your name, and promptly got all confused, because I’m used to your other blog– this one’s so different (and cool and wonderful). But thank you, thank you!
boundandgags said,
January 9, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I was in a bar in Boston and this skinhead guy, proper tats and festoons, was trying to give someone else some literature. The guy told him where to go so as the guy passes me he nods. I think,
“Damn! He thinks I’m his leader!”
He comes up to me and begins his rap until I say,
“Hey! I’m not a racist! I’m in Blue Man Group!”
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 9, 2008 at 6:24 pm
@ b&g: I thought the Blue Man Group guys were racist skinheads. Just blue ones.