The Cadillac of Idiots
Several years ago, I went to Memphis to visit my aunt and uncle. They had just leased a beautiful new Cadillac– a pearly, opalescent white model with all the trimmings– automatic everything, climate controlled leather seats, jacuzzi, and a sandwich bar. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little, but it really was very nice. My aunt was anxious to take me for a spin, so we decided to make a trip to the grocery store. What a ride! So smooth and quiet, we may as well have been floating in a space capsule.
At the store, we made our selections, and as we stood in the checkout line for what seemed about three weeks, I suggested to my aunt that I go ahead to the car and pop the trunk for her. My ulterior motive was to smoke a cigarette along the way. She handed me the keys, and I headed to the car. Scanning the lot, there seemed to be a sea of white luxury cars, but I finally located my aunt’s. The key looked like some sort of computer keyboard, with all of these buttons on it. I pushed several of them, but nothing happened. I then stuck the key in the trunk lock; still, nothing happened. After wrestling
with it for a few minutes, I decided to just pull the car around to the front of the store, pick my aunt up, and let her deal with the complicated task of opening of the trunk, since obviously she’d taken the training course required to operate this high tech car. I stuck the key in the door, but found that it was already unlocked. Sitting in the driver’s seat, I tried the ignition, but again, nothing happened. Defeated, I sat back in the cushy leather seat, and waited for my aunt to return. Suddenly, I was startled by the sight of a weathered, angry old man whose face appeared in the window, screaming, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CAR???????”
Okay, so I’m sort of stupid, and a little blind. I’d gotten into the wrong car. The poor guy was so flipped out when he saw me in his vehicle that he let go of his shopping cart, which rolled down the parking lot and turned over. Groceries were scattered everywhere. The little old man was furiously agitated, and eyed me nervously as I followed him to the cart to help retrieve his purchases, trying to explain my simple mistake the entire time.
A jar of honey had broken, and I told him that I’d replace it. We put his groceries into his trunk (his key worked), then walked back toward Kroger. He was trying to keep his distance from 
me while I blabbered a million apologies, apparently believing that I was a mental institution escapee. Meanwhile, my aunt had emerged from the store. Instead of seeing me waiting for her in the car with the hood popped open, she witnessed me escorting a frightened little old man across the parking lot. I signaled to her that I’d be right back.
When I finally returned, my aunt honked and waved. Seeing her sitting there, I realized that her Caddy looked nothing like the old man’s car, except for that cute little Cadillac emblem. I
explained the situation as she looked at me in disbelief, which didn’t last too long, since she knew who she was dealing with. Then we laughed hysterically all the way home.
Of course, my whole family knows this story. It will be passed down to my children, and my children’s children, and their children after that. My tombstone will be engraved with, “Remember that time in the Kroger parking lot?” I will never, ever live it down.
Thanks to my friend “Botmo,” who reminded me of this incident when she sent me this hilarious news item.
***Note: I am embarrassed to say that it appears that the “hilarious news item” link is probably an urban legend. The article does say that it’s “supposedly a true story,” but according to Snopes.com, it’s not. Shame on me for not verifying. I did call the Sarasota Police Department to see if they knew anything about the story, but after trying to stifle some laughter, the police officer said that I’d have to call the records department in the morning. In the meantime, read the link with skepticism. And thanks to Renee for pointing out the error.
ajerseyromance said,
November 13, 2007 at 12:57 pm
You tell the best stories.
Netty Gritty said,
November 13, 2007 at 1:16 pm
that was hilarious!
you are something else, moon! when you publish a book of your short stories, don’t forget to give me an autographed copy. i am a loyal fan!
i had to suppress laughing out loud too much, cos laughing all alone in front of a pc makes me feel like a lonely depressed mental patient!
moonbeammcqueen said,
November 13, 2007 at 1:36 pm
@ Jersey: Thanks!
@ Netty: The first copy is yours! I often laugh out loud, sitting at my PC, especially when reading other people’s posts. It makes Tom look at me funny.
Netty Gritty said,
November 13, 2007 at 2:03 pm
oh thank you!
Brian said,
November 13, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Fantastic story! You made me laugh out loud at work. Thank goodness no one was in my office at the time or they might have figured out that I’m not really working.
moonbeammcqueen said,
November 13, 2007 at 5:49 pm
@ Brian: Your secret’s safe with me!
timethief said,
November 13, 2007 at 6:56 pm
This was a great story because you told it so well. Thanks for sharing it. I’m looking forward to reading more of your stories so Shine On .
Renée said,
November 13, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Great story, well told.
Interestingly, The Urban Legends Reference Page refers to your “hilarious news story” as an undocumented legend. :shrug: Whatev, it’s funny one way or the other.
moonbeammcqueen said,
November 13, 2007 at 8:30 pm
@ timethief: Thanks!
@ Renee: OH NO!!!!! You have NO idea how much it upsets me that the story of the Florida woman isn’t true. What’s so funny is that Tom and I were talking earlier today about urban legends, fake chain letters about kids with cancer, etc., and I told him that I was a maniac about verifying stuff like that on Snopes before passing it on. And look what I did— I passed one on. I wasn’t vigilant. It was this story that reminded me of what happened with my aunt, and I wanted to give credit where credit was due. Now I’m wondering if I should erase that link because now that I’ve looked it up, I see that it’s an urban legend (although the article does say “supposedly true.”).
I would love to hear from anyone with suggestions. Remove the link or keep it? I’m not sure what to do. Thanks for pointing it out, Renee.
Little Miss said,
November 13, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Oh, that’s hilarious. What a colorful life you’ve had so far. I can’t wait to hear more.
There’s a commercial out here for a car or something that has the husband throwing rocks at the window, trying a Slim Jim to get in (at the grocery store) and the owner of the car comes up and interrupts them. Similar, but yours is more funny because it’s true. I can just picture the little old man… the graphic you chose here is perfect.
Little Miss said,
November 13, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Oh, and keep the link to the legend. Your note clears it up. Just a thought from editorial me.
moonbeammcqueen said,
November 13, 2007 at 10:28 pm
@ Little Miss: I think we’ve all had colorful lives, I’m probably just a little goofier than most. I haven’t seen the Slim Jim commercial, but I’ll look for it. And oh my gosh! You should have SEEN that little guy!
Thank you for your editorial advice. I really do appreciate it.
Renée said,
November 14, 2007 at 2:09 am
Now I know I love you. This is the first time I’ve quoted Snopes at someone and they’ve actually THANKED me!
I’ve had people get all ugly on me. Shoot, I’m just tryin’ to help …
About the fact that “we should have seen that little guy”: we did. I really did laugh out loud when I saw that picture you had in line with the story. (You don’t have to tell me that wasn’t the actual guy. Sheesh.)
p.s. I’m with Little Miss, keep the original story intact. Your explanation clears it up.
geekgirl415 said,
November 14, 2007 at 2:17 am
hilarious!!! i totally thought of that article when i read your story- glad the old guy wasn’t packing! lol!!
moonbeammcqueen said,
November 14, 2007 at 11:31 am
@ Renee: I’m with you– it drives me crazy when misinformation gets passed along, then spreads like wildfire, so I’m always fact checking, and letting people know when an internet hoax is being perpetuated. I’m so embarrassed that I didn’t check this one, so I do appreciate it that you did.
@ geekgirl: I’m glad he wasn’t packing either! He was furious, and would have killed me instantly!
Life With Buck said,
November 14, 2007 at 8:40 pm
I loved the photo of the little old guy, and I want to believe it was the same guy. I can tottally understand you getting in the wrong car, I’ve started to do it myself a few times. But I never actually got inside and sat there.
Life With Buck said,
November 14, 2007 at 8:46 pm
FYI, I have become my old boss. I just hastily type away now and post things riddled with typos. Having become her is my Karmic punishment for having been so annoyed by her memos.
moonbeammcqueen said,
November 14, 2007 at 9:36 pm
@ LWB: Isn’t he cute? I didn’t notice typos– and as much as you do, writing-wise, I think you’re allowed, especially in light of how great the content is!
BTW, for a long time after that parking lot incident, when we had family gatherings, I’d pretend that I was about to get into the wrong car from time to time, just to see my relatives flip out.
David said,
November 14, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Thanks for this hilarious post. I’ve never actually gotten into the wrong car, but have inserted the key and thought Hmm, didn’t think I locked the car … And IMHO it’s just desserts for anyone fool enough to buy such an ostentasteless gas hog to find a total stranger sitting in the driver’s seat!
moonbeammcqueen said,
November 15, 2007 at 2:05 am
@ David: I agree. That’s why my aunt and uncle LEASE “ostentasteless” gas hogs.
David Levine said,
November 15, 2007 at 10:12 pm
Yeah
) OOPS, didn’t mean to insult the aunt and uncle. The real blame here for gas hogs lies with the manufacturers and Madison Ave. We should have learned this back in 1973. I hope that when I hit my 70s I’m still pedalling my bicycle.
moonbeammcqueen said,
November 16, 2007 at 2:24 am
@ David: I know you didn’t mean to insult them. I hope when I hit my 70’s, I’m sitting on a riverbank, catching fishies.
Cadillac Sixteen Concept said,
January 24, 2008 at 6:12 pm
LOL. This Cadillac story really funny. If you change the title to the Kroger Parking Lot story, then you will have a family tale, but still doesn’t change the fact this story will live on continuously entertaining all generation. I hope that picture of a man above is not the actual picture of the angry old man
moonbeammcqueen said,
January 24, 2008 at 7:51 pm
@ Cadillac Sixteen: I’m glad you like it! No, not the actual old man, but that expression sums him up beautifully!